So. Today sucked. Work went by quickly though, so that was a plus.

Jeremy called me a bit after I got home from work, and asked if he could come over. I was a little hesitant about letting him, but decided to anyway. And as soon as he got here, I realized what I had to do. He kept kissing me and putting his arms around me, and it really made me want to push him away from me. Seriously, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wasn't even comfortable with him sitting too close to me. I feel bad saying that but it's the honest truth. I just feel absolutely nothing for him, and it really isn't fair to lead him on just because I enjoy getting affection. I kind of messed up though, and his hands were roamning underneath my clothes.. and when he got to a certain area, I just let him go and eventually he brought me to two orgasms. I really should not have let him do that, knowing I had no feelings for him, but it went too far before I could speak up and tell him to stop. Though he kept trying to do it again afterward, and I was able to stop him then.

I was very uncomfortable and quiet throughout the entire night, and I know he could sense it. He kept asking me what was wrong and I'd just shrug it off. He'd kiss me, and I'd pull away and pretend to cough or something. When he got home, I broke the news to him. I couldn't do it face to face, I felt really horrible about the whole thing as it is, and I didn't want to see his face when I did it. Or see him cry, which I figured he'd do - and was right about that. He kept asking me what he was doing wrong, telling me he really loved me, and making me feel really guilty. Eventually he went to bed and our conversation ended. I feel like such a horrible person, but It's just not fair to pretend I have feelings for someone when I don't. I really hope that he's able to find someone and be happy with that person. He's the sweetest guy and he truly deserves a wonderful girl. -Sigh.-

I talked to Jeremy, the ex, a lot tonight over the phone. We had a lot of fun, as we usually do. We briefly touched on the topic of us, and I was very blunt about my feelings. Asked him outright how he felt, and he said it was a mixture of not knowing, and not wanting to talk about it. I figured he'd say something along those lines, so I let it go. When he wants to talk, we'll talk. No sense in rushing a guy who I honestly don't see a future with, but am desperate to have one with anyway. Such a stupid way to feel, but that's life. I told him I wanted him back, though in not so many words, and of course he replied with "you don't know what you want, you never do." He's right, though my feelings for him have never changed, all through the time I've known him. I don't see them going away anytime soon. We'll learn to be friends, or we won't. There's not really another option.

My mom bought a bunch of Christmas presents today, so I'm excited about that. I get to wrap gifts every year, and it's always so much fun. Really gets me in the Christmasy mood. Speaking of - I mentioned that to the old Jeremy. Told him I felt like the Holiday season was -our- time because Christmas last year was one of the best memories we have from the relationship. He laughed and said "Yeah, that was a good day." Made me feel good. I like it when he's able to look back on our relationship and not feel bitter. He's always making jokes about me being a whore, which isn't really anything new, but it hurts a lot more now that it's true and he has fact to back up his opinion. =/ Anyway though, my mom bought two MP3 players, one for herself - and one who she was going to give to my younger sister Bethany for her Idog, which you should go look up 'cause it's so cool. ;x But she realized that she'd already spent a ton of money on Bethany, so she was going to give it to someone else. She asked if I wanted it, and I thought about it for a while 'n I think I would. But this particular one was pretty expensive, and I don't want that to be my whole Christmas gift. -Shrug- Oh well, though, it's a cool little thing and with this slow internet, I can't watch videos on here anyway. So yeah - is there anyway to download songs from the net without paying for them and then get them on your mp3 player? Wee.

I'm gonna end this now. I'm coughing up a lung here, and my fingers are cold from typing. Think I'm gonna call Jessica back, then lay down and watch some MTV for a while, while letting my mind wander. Luckily I don't have to work 'til 5pm tomorrow, so I can sleep as late as I want. =D Although the shift sucks 'cause it kills my entire weekend and leaves me no room for plans. =( Like I was saying, toodles.

Today was an interesting day. Work was surprisingly busy for it being a holiday, and most of the customers were friendly, and had me laughing and in a good mood. I was surprised to see Jeremy at 3:15, since I didn't get off until 4, but he walked around the store while I finished up, and then we left. He had a boquet of gorgeous red roses lying in the backseat of his car today, (I had a feeling! Wee) and it made me so happy. I've never gotten flowers before, and it was -so- sweet of him. Although doing flowers two days in a row might seem a bit repetitive, but it's the thought behind it that's so sweet. =)

We got home and my grandma made a big deal of the roses, and then I introduced him to everyone. I was a little awkward and nervous at first, but most of the time we just sat in the back of the Kitchen together, talking amongst ourselves. He even held my hand and rubbed my back right there in front of my family. I defintely wasn't expecting that. ; ) I only ate a bit of stuffing and a bite of ham, giving the rest of the piece to my dog. I'm just not a big thanksgiving day-food fan, and I'm usually always too tired to eat after getting off of work. I have a plate of stuffing sitting next to me, but I've hardly touched that either. I do, however, have pop - and THAT is filling enough. =D

Around six, the ex, Jeremy, called me. Yeah. He'd texted me the night before, and I called him later that night and left a message telling him to call me later. He texted me while I was at work today and said he was busy last night, but that he'd call later today. I told him after four, but wasn't expecting it to be until after nine.. 'cause that's when our free day minutes start. I made a beeline for the bathroom, and sat with him on the phone for about fifteen minutes when my mom banged on the door demanding I let her in and go hang out with my 'company'. I asked if it would be okay if I called him back tonight, he said yeah among other things, and I went to spend the rest of the night with my actual boyfriend.

Only.. my mood had altered dramatically. I came out of the bathroom and it was almost as if something had annoyed the piss out of me. I didn't want to be around people, I didn't want to be near Jeremy at all. His hand was holding mine, his arm was around my shoulders, but I wasn't comfortable. I wanted to scoot away from his touch and ask him to leave. Of course I didn't. What I did do, though, was fake sleepiness until he felt guilty and left, without bothering to stop him. Then proceeded to call the ex back, and talk to him for two hours. I don't want to describe the conversation. What I will say is that I cried after it ended, a lot during, and am now thoroughly confused about -everything.-

What's funny is that while he and I were talking, he randomly stopped and goes "You were happy until I called, weren't you? Content with Jeremy and happy with life. Then I call and mess everything up for you."
I explained that I was content, yes, but not happy. I ..just. I don't know. I've been saying that with the new Jeremy, there's no sparks, no butterflies. But I do enjoy his company, and he's incredibly sweet and caring. In comparison to what I had with the old Jeremy though, ..well, there is no comparison. I may be rushing this thought process a bit though, and so I'm going to give it some time before I actually make a decision on what to do. I Just feel like if there was ever going to be something intense between us, I'd at least be able to feel the flickers of it in the beginning. But, as long as I give it a proper chance, and try to learn how to be friends with the old Jeremy, I should be okay. -Sigh.- Too much thinking to do, in order to be with the ex. Not something he or I are at all ready for right now. And I'm not sure we ever will be.

Dan: You've got a man better than I, and maybe even your ex, right at your feet. You are right, there should be no decision.

Hah. And between this, Jenn, Crystal, and Dan, I'm done talking about this. I'm going to end this now and call Dan for a few, then go to bed. Happy Thanksgiving, world.

• p.s - I think I just popped a rib coughing. Man.

It's freezing in my basement, so this'll be relatively short. Just wanted to recap my day before I forgot.

Work sucked. Always does. Goes by way too slowly, especially with the added anticipation of seeing Jeremy. Got a nice surprise when he showed up to pick me up, though. Having already told my mom ahead of time and everything. He's so thoughtful. =). And he was in a lot better mood today - even chipper, lol, and it made me really happy. Being around him makes me feel so good by itself, but being around him and being able to feel his good mood, is an amazing feeling. So he and I rode home together and spent the night in my basement as we always do, cuddling, kissing - other things. =P

Had a bad morning. I couldn't find my State I.D which means that I have no way to cash my check 'til after this weekend, when I can go and get another State I.D (which costs money) or deposit the money into my mom's bank, and have her give me the cash. Either way, I tore the house apart looking for the damned thing, and left in a really pissed of mood this morning. If It hadn't been for my Grandma stopping by and loaning me money for lunch and cigarettes, I would've been hell to deal with today.

Randomly around ten, I had a super strong craving for Taco Bell. I was going to get some before work but not being able to cash my check sort of put a damper on that. I spontaneously asked him if he wanted to walk, but he declined (which is good, considering how cold it is outside) but offered to drive up there anyway. So we spent a little while talking and eating, me waving and saying hi to a few of the people I used to work with, and then went back home to hang out 'til 11 when he had to go.

He and I went a little further, sexually, today. I should've typed this in last night's entry, but he told me last night that he is indeed a virgin, and there are a few other things he hasn't done yet. It half excited me, but half scared me to death. I'm used to, and comfortable with the man taking charge - but how can he when he's never done this before? I read in a friend's blog once that she liked her boyfriend because he was a virgin when they got together, he was kind of taught sex around her and her likes/dislikes. But.. how do you teach someone to be like that? I'm nervous and I get embarrased when we talk about sex. I don't want his hand to be in my pants and me to adjust it and say "Now do it like this." It just seems awkward. =/.

Like I said though, he took charge a bit today and I ended up giving him head. He didn't finish however, and I think the nervousness about my parents being right upstairs had him a bit on edge. I was enjoying it though, but after a while my jaw hurt. You'd think a virgin would cum quick? Not this one. And it's even a little aggravating because I don't know how to come right out and say "Hey, did I do a good job sucking your dick today?" Hearing a noise.. feeling him cum - those would be definite signs of YES. ..And I really don't want to come right out and ask. I brought it up earlier saying I "owed" him and here's a bit of the conversation that I just HAD to post because he's SO obviously the sweetest guy ever:

Him: Forget that you owe me.
Me: I don't want to.
Him: Why?
Me: I'm a giver. =P
Him: You already gave your heart to me, so now all I need is your body and soul, and when that time comes it will be worth the wait.

Eeeeee! <32him4ever.

But yeah. had me near orgasm a LOT today. I was on edge the whole time he was here, but I never did finish. I think he's more into the idea of teasing than anything. It can be frustrating, and I think I'm going to have to explain that to him. Though we should have more privacy if we go over to his dad's tomorrow like I think he has planned. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Anyway. I'm tired & incredibly cold.

Peace, nig.

The exe's Email to me after I told him about the new guy:
Hah. Well damn. Well, at least things are going well for you. Sounds like a good guy, I suppose, so good luck with him. You don't really have the best taste, though (Yes, I'm including Myself in that list).
To be honest, though, I thought you'd be a bit more patient, considering your behavior when I left. That's cool, however. Saves Me the trouble of facing bullshit in My head that I would rather avoid.
I'll give you a call when the phone arrives. The holidays are slowing down the process a bit. Kind of annoying, but whatever. Till then, later.
Oh shit, before I forget... My "attitude" has nothing to do with the Army. Any change, or backtracking in My behavior or mindset was caused by your actions. Or at least your actions began the cycle. Was My choice to follow that path, but your bullshit layed the choice squarely at My feet. I'm not blaming you for your part, so don't throw the consequence in My face. Not exactly fair, right?
Good deal. Since you want to talk about us, here we go.
Your actions after I left showed that I was easily replaced. Your actions now show that once again. Why would I be in a hurry to try something more with you when you throw it in My face on a regular basis that replacing Me takes you no time or effort. Doesn't make sense, does it? Just wanted to clear things up, that on the subject of our 'relationship', you never really gave Me any options.
My response:

Jeremy,

Thank you for wishing me luck. And you're right, UNTIL you, I had pretty horrid taste in men, and I guess only time will tell whether or not I'm staring that pattern over again, AFTER you. Not going to list all of your good qualities, but you were a really good boyfriend, an amazing friend, and a great teacher. I was trying to find an adjective to put before Dominant, but that's a hard subject for me to think about and while the adjective would've been positive, I couldn't think of a fitting one. Just know that despite circumstances and things that've happened, I care a great deal about you and your well being, and am very grateful for everything you've done for me.

That subject isn't fun to talk about, so let's move on.

My getting with him had nothing to do with not having patience. Having sex with Jeremiah and giving Alex head? That was me being an attention whore and a slut, and had nothing whatsoever to do with you. As I previously explained, you weren't on my mind very much at the time. Had you been, I would have spent my days mourning and grieving, rather than ..well, you know. Too little too late, I suppose. Once my emotions came back to me, the deeds were done and it was time to fess up. You didn't handle things the way I expected, but I suppose that was my loss in the end.

Like I was saying though, I didn't go looking for a boyfriend. In fact it was quite the opposite. I had just started to feel, and was working on getting back home to Michigan, when I met this guy. I had no interest in meeting new people, let alone talking to males in general, but he was persistent and he was there for me. My best friend was being a douche bag, the other one was busy confessing his love to me, and I didn't have anything but cold responses and confusing words from you. We spent a month talking before I'd even considered meeting him. Even at that point, I was still in "if you have a penis, get the hell away from me" mode, but after a few nights of hanging out, we clicked. I had gone into survival mode as SOON as I read the letter that was here waiting for me, from you. What else was I supposed to do, Jeremy? You were very adamant to -not- talk about you and I, and I was just as tired of the back and forth shit, as you. I don't like not knowing where I stand, and I was certain that with the "many girls" and "cheap condom prices", you were keeping yourself busy, and didn't need to think about me, or us.

You emailed Jason, you called Jess, you IMed her. What did I get? A message from you after I begged you to leave one, and Jess told you to call. Didn't really get the vibe from you that you were thrilled by the idea of speaking to me. There are a lot of factors leading up to it, but the main point here is that eventually I had to help myself move on. I was literally allowing myself to wallow to death, and it was far from healthy. Luckily I'm smart enough and strong enough now, that I had myself convinced that I'd make it through that, and I did. Rather, I am.

Anyway. The point after all of this babbling, is that I didn't throw myself at the first available guy. I let my heart start healing, and I developed feelings for someone else unexpectedly. He -is- a really good guy, and things -are- going quite well for us. I know where I stand with him, and stability is something I desperately need right now. The word replace is a very harsh one, and I don't like it at all. You can't replace your first love, it doesn't work that way. I told you before that you hold a huge chunk of my heart and nobody'll ever be able to take that from you.

Also, there were many options for you. One of which was me. You didn't choose that option, though. You did, however, choose to leave me confused and frustrated. If you wanted options, why didn't you say "Hey, I know things suck right now but I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with the situation so give me some time to sort it out and I'll get back to you." No, instead, you wrote me a page of meaningless shit that only served to confuse me further, and left me with an empty feeling tugging at my heartstrings, telling me it was time to move on and let you focus on the important things - because it was growing painfully obvious that I wasn't one of them.

Sigh.

I want us to be okay again. Okay in the sense that we can talk about each others' day like friends, and not worry about things getting awkward, or tension arrising. I care far too much about you to just let everything we went through mean nothing. Love like that doesn't just fade, Jeremy. Despite what you may think about me and my emotions.

You miss the person I used to be, but she misses her best friend.

-Me

Had another amazing night with Jeremy. I absolutely love being around him. But watching him pull out and drive off is incredibly painful. I know that it sounds kind of crazy, and fast, but frankly I’m done making excuses and denying how I feel because I’m afraid that things have moved too quickly. Life is about taking risks; after all, so I’m just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the way he makes me feel without worrying about what other people may think, because of the amount of time we’ve been together. The last week with him has been wonderful, and I had my doubts at first, but after today they have been totally erased.

Jeremy, the ex, finally responded to my email, and even left me a message on MSN while I was at work. The message consisted of only “Whore.” And then, “Time for extra duty. Later.” But I remembered that I’d changed my MSN handle to some cute quote with the current Jeremy’s initials at the end, and then I put that I was away, and with him, at the end of it. So I’m thinking that’s where the “Whore” remark came from – but really, that’s just how he is, so I didn’t take much offense to it. Then I read the email I got from him.

After reading those things, I felt very little. I realized that although I am not one hundred percent over him, I –am- one hundred percent ready to be. This new relationship has been amazing thus far, and he and I click too well for me to just throw it away because an ex MIGHT have an interest in sorting things out and getting back together. –Shakes head- No. Jeremy, the current, deserves a hell of a lot more than that. He has been nothing but wonderful and amazing to me, and I am finally going to appreciate what has been given to me, without taking it for granted. I’m sorry, but it would be so easy for me to fall in love with him, and I’m not about to pass up an opportunity like that for someone who’s broken my heart in the past. Who’s to say he won’t do it again anyway? It’s not worth it to take that chance. So, after realizing all of this, I realized that the feeling I have for Jeremy are truly genuine and that whenever the time comes, I will be ready to give myself to him completely, and let him consume every part of me. It may not work out in the end, but if it doesn’t, I’ll live. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do so again, if needed. =)

Also – I just emailed him telling him about Jeremy and asking that he and I still be friends. We’ll see what happens.

Hm,
You know that feeling when you’re insanely thirsty, but for whatever reason you don’t have access to anything to drink? And then when you’re finally able to get something, you fill your glass full of ice cold water and you just take the whole thing in gulps, and it feels so good that you just want to let yourself drown in the icey-cold goodness. That’s exactly how it feels when Jeremy’s kissing me. It’s intoxicating and just… So intense that I never want to stop. Just want to let myself drown and suffocate from his kisses. And then when we finally come up for air, I feel like I’ve just separated myself from a piece of my own soul. It’s truly that painful.

Man. It’s time for bed!

<3.

[[ - there's no other feeling
like knowing that he could be with
any girl in the entire world, but he
chooses to be with you. - ]]

Another very good day. =) Yay life! lol.

I woke up this morning, and got kind of sad while getting ready for work 'cause after Jeremy left last night, he and I talked online and it didn't sound like we'd get to hang out 'til Saturday or so. But then I woke up to a message from him on my myspace asking if it was okay for him to come over after I got off of work. Of course I said yes, though I found out later that he hadn't read my response - just came over. Good enough for me, lol.

Work went by REALLY slowly, and I kept wishing all day long that Jeremy would just randomly show up. Of course the day I -want- him to, he doesn't. Whenever I'm not expecting it, though, he's there. Lol. Usually how everything in life works out. But like I said - work was really slow, though not too bad since there weren't many rude customers, or any at all that I can remember right now. It was just long and boring, and since I knew Jeremy was coming over afterward, I think it made it last a lot longer, being anxious to see him.

Finally it ended and he showed up about a half hour or so after I got home. I was extremely excited to see him, though it seemed as if the shyness returned even after it went away yesterday. I'm hoping that eventually after we spend enough time together, there won't be any at all. He didn't seem to notice, though, and then we went downstairs and watched t.v again. We cuddled and held hands the whole time he was here, but Matthew (my little brother) was downstairs watching t.v with us, so nothing sexual happened. I was kind of relieved, too, because It's hard to trust myself and when he teases I get so frustrated. I sound like such a slut, but to be blunt about it, I don't masturbate (maybe a few times a month when I'm bored) and I haven't had a steady sexual partner, ever. So when a boy who I feel I have a connection with, and obvious strong feelings for, has his hands on me, it's a bit difficult to keep from hopping on his lap and going to town. I don't really mean that, though, because I really want the first time with him to be special, and preferably to happen after I'm completely, and totally convinced that he's going to stick around. I know you shouldn't plan things like this - but I was thinking maybe December 30th (for his birthday) or maybe the 31st as a mixture of Christmas, Birthday, and New Year's Eve. It'll replace the awful memory I have of losing my virginity on New Year's if we do it that way, but I think sometimes, regardless of how painful and crappy the memory it is, you shouldn't try to replace or forget a time where you learned something about yourself, or life in general. Jeez - I'm totally babbling here. Anyhow.. I think the 30th would be a really good idea, if I did decide to plan it out. That's the date of his birthday, and it'll be like a mixed Christmas/Birthday gift. Maybe I'll rent a hotel room for the night or something. Though I'm worried that his mom would freak if he stayed the night with me. She's really protective but maybe she'll be okay after she and I actually meet. -Shrug.- Just bouncing ideas around for now.

I guess it's pretty obvious by all of that, that I'm serious about this one. He's just.. gah. I won't say he's perfect because I've named some of his flaws before - but as a boyfriend? In the top 5 percent. Lol. He treats me so well. He always makes me feel insanely happy, and so good about myself. I even spent the night with him, wearing my work shirt and Mickey Mouse pajama pants, with my hair in a messy bun and no makeup. And I did not feel unpretty for one second while he was here. He always has to be touching and holding me. He does this really cute thing where he cuddles up all snug with me, and he'll run his hands down my arms and back. It's so comforting and nice. I sound like such a fourteen year old girl who just got her first boyfriend, but except for the five minute cuddling after using me for sex with Jeremiah, this is the first time a guy's done this. I mean, there was Brett and the few days he and I went on when we were fourteen (literally) but nothing like this. I didn't have a real connection with Brett and I think he was one of those guys who I dated when I had no real concept of the intense emotion you could feel for another person. Obviously I'm not in love with Jeremy, but I know how easily it would be for me to start falling for him. Hell, I look into his eyes and I already feel like I've started. I just really love the person I am when I'm around him. So much more fun and lively, and definitely happier.

Wee! Anyhow, around ten oclock he decided it was time to leave again, even though I pouted and begged him to stay. Yes, I am that clingly already. But it kind of worried me because he seemed kind of out of it today. Unhappy even, and that scared me. He didn't talk a whole lot, and spent most of the time laying against my chest, with his arms around me. Kind of like a little kid hugging their mother or something. I asked him about it later and he told me he was tired and all the things going on with helping his mom move, and the landlord screwing them over - etc, I don't actually know the whole story, was just kind of getting to him. He said he'd be much happier when all was said and done. I really hope so.. I just want to be able to make him smile. =).

Anyway. I'm gonna go talk to Crystal about the whole sex thing, and listen to some Nick Lachey, 'cause I'm sweet. -Yawn.-

Goodnight, loves.

So. I've never written a blog in this stupid thing, but I'm going to do so now. I  doubt anybody will read this -- but I don't care. For some strange reason it just feels right. Most of this'll probably be confusing dribble.. but I need to vent.

                                 Rolls eyes.                                                           

         I feel very lonely, lately. The feeling of lonlieness has been an on-going thing for probably.. a little over a year now? Before that it was there, but it's been consistent for that amount of time. I have very few friends, I have no boyfriend, I have nobody I feel like I can always open up to. There isn't one person in the world who knows every detail about me and my life. Why is that? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too withdrawn.. too much of a loner? Probably. Chances are that people don't see me as approach-able. How do I change that?

          I know how pathetic it sounds, believe me. I just wish I had someone, you know? Someone to count on, be there for me, through whatever life throws at me. But, I don't. I've lost so many friends over the years, for so many stupid reasons. And now, I have nobody. Sure, there're a few people out there who I talk to every now and then, but what do I do most weekends? I sit at home, online, or watching t.v. I don't look forward to weekends, I never have plans, and I never leave my house, most of the time.

          Everytime I think about this, I blame it on my physical appearance. Then today, while at work, I saw a group of big girls walking down the isle, holding their boyfriends' hands, laughing and giggling. Man, can you even imagine the pangs of jealousy I experienced at that moment? I don't understand why I'm the loser girl who gets stuck at home on weekends, watching her siblings or the television, desperate for friends -- or someone to show that they care?

         What's funny to me, is that before when I felt alone and depressed.. I'd immediately resort to some immature act. I'd cut myself, or make some big dramatic scene to gain attention from people. Now? I just cry. Silently, alone, in all of my patheticness. Before, I loved being the way I was. I loved the fact that my "Depression" was a way for me to get people's attention, their sympathy. Now I think about the way that I was before.. the REASON I'm alone now, and lost so many of those friends.. and It makes me sick. I'd do anything to go back to before, change my ways earlier, before I lost everything.

           I don't even think I can explain how badly I wish I could go back to Church. I have tried SO hard to get back to the place I was before. When I was dating Dan, and had friends... Ashley, Megan, all of my Church-pals, it was so easy to stay on the right path. Now? Not so much. It's so hard doing it alone, without someone that I know I can count on, someone to talk to me while I go all Emo, and express my feelings. I had such a good life before, everything was going right.. and I realized that a little too late. I had already taken advantage of everything/one and lost myself in the drama. I just wish I could feel accepted at a church again, have the desire to go. I have the desire to feel the way I once did, to devote myself, one more, to my faith.. but it's so hard to just give in. I can't help but keep my guard up -- I don't want to feel the way I did before. It hurts too much when I'm let down.

         I'm tired of bottling everything up -- but really, what choice do I have? I start shouting from the roof-tops about how sad and lonely I am, and I'll be right back in the same situation that I was in before. People will see me as some drama/attention whore, and It'll chase them away. I've tried every pathetic attempt to make friends. I've joined profile sites (i.e - this one), approached people through them, smiled and laughed.. made myself look approachable and friendly, I've been 'myself' ..but apparently that just isn't enough. I hate this feeling. I'm 17 years old, I'm an adult -- I've got adult responsibilities, and here I am moaning and complaining about how horrible my lonely life is. I hate feeling like such an immature child, I just wish I knew how to make everything better, wish I knew what to do.. to change things.

  Sigh.

                    I am SO done ranting.

Manda

 

That was me before Jeremy. Am I really any better off, now?

 

No. But I will be.

 

Goddamnit, Jeremy.


Please, let me go. I can't take being in love with you anymore. I'm dying more and more every second that you're gone, knowing you're so fucking far away ..and that you hate me so bad. I am destroying a wonderful boy because you have turned me cold inside. I cannot feel anything for anyone who isn't you and I hate myself for it every single day. You mean the world to me and I wish I could make you see that. I am tired of living with the fact that I have screwed up SO fucking badly that the idea of being with me again probably brings you nausea. Living without you after seeing how good we can be together, is ripping me apart. I can't breathe without thinking of you. Please just fucking let me go.

I'm really tired of missing my old life. My old friends, my old apartment.. our cat, even my old job. As much as Jeremy and I fought, I was still happier there with him than I have been anywhere else.. it just took me too long to realize that. I miss him so much, every single day, and I'm tired of it. He and I were really bad for eachother but it's the good times and memories that keep me wanting to go back. I know I fucked up royally but it gets to a point every day where I would do just about anything to turn back time. If I hadn't had sex with Mcintosh and then lied to Jeremy afterward about meeting up with him again.. we could've recovered. He and I would've had an actual shot at fixing things and I could've been there to hold him and kiss him goodbye before he got on that plane. I really hate everything about my life right now.

Really.

And this is completely unrelated to why I was upset in the first place - but I swear to fucking GOD if I ever see jessica on the streets I will make that cunt eat gravel. You two faced fucking whore, how DARE you treat me the way you did. The fucking NERVE she had to turn on me just because she wanted to fuck MY husband. The disgust I have for this fucking excuse for a woman goes beyond all else.

I swear to god, I would rip this bitch a new fucking asshole.

There's something weird about arguing that always causes me to think of Jeremy. It can be with some idiotic fucking child on the internet who tries to tell me how I feel about a certain topic, or a small disagreement with Jenn.. but no matter what it is - I always think of him. It makes me so fucking angry sometimes because half the time I'm not upset with him, but by time I get over being upset all together, I am. Maybe I just associate arguing with Jeremy because that's all we ever did, but regardless of the reason it's fucking annoying. I'm sick of thinking of him, more so when I'm pissed off. God knows I'm upset over him often enough, without needing other arguments that don't have anything at all to do with him, adding to it.

Gah. I'm just so tired of being so fucking angry all the time.

Dear Jeremiah,

You know I never liked the nickname "Jerry", right? I doubt it. Even if I had told you, it would've slipped your mind as soon as you'd shut the front door behind yourself. Anyhow, I really hate that nickname. I know that everyone refers to you as Jerry, but I never do. Never have, never will. Anyone who has ever heard me talk about you (everyone I've talked to since meeting you) knows you as Jeremiah. I don't even think I've ever called you by your name throughout the entire time I've known you. Hm.

There's this song that I've been listening to a lot lately, called "Whenever You Call". I believe Mariah Carey sings it, but there's a male voice which is unfamiliar to me. Either way, I knew just by seeing the title, that I could relate to this song. And then I hear the lyrics, and it's as if the stupid thing was written for me to sing. The only problem is that poor Mariah is singing those damned lyrics in a happy tone, as if it's a good thing that no matter what he's done, or what's happened between the two of them, all he has to do is call her up and immediately she'll be back by his side. How is that good, or even healthy? You tell me, Jeremiah, because that is exactly how I feel when it comes to you, and it is incredibly unnerving. Even more so because I can't seem to understand a bit of it.

Maybe when/if I'm finally able to understand it, I'll be able to understand why what we had, meant nothing to you. Why it was so goddamned easy for you to just use me for a few hours over the weekends, then string me along to believe that what we had was more than that, that it meant something. And ..maybe even why the fact that you're leaving for Iraq in less than a month, doesn't seem to phase you at all when it comes to seeing me one last time.. well - ever.

I'm moving back home, Jeremiah, and you are one of the biggest reasons why. This whole apartment reminds me of you. Every single memory I have of us took place here. I can still remember that first night, the first night we met. Your incredibly captivating eyes, the way your lip curved upward when you'd smirk at me, the way my heart nearly stopped when you first wrapped your arm around my shoulders. Even thinking about it now, after everything that's happened - those thoughts still give me butterflies and cause my heartbeat to increase.

I can't remember the way you made love to me, without internally cringing. My heart aches for you, my skin practically begs for your touch, and I am constantly on the verge of tears throughout every second of everyday. Your face has been permanently embedded into my mind, your loving actions, into my heart. You literally took half of me with you that last time I watched you pull out of the driveway. I can't even remember what it was like to feel whole. When you held me, I felt complete.

... I wish someone would rip out your fucking heart for what you've done to me. Even then, I know the pain wouldn't come close in comparison.

I feel horrible for a number of reasons, and the kicker is trying to find out which one is overpowering my emotions more. I had a dream that something terrible happened to Jeremy, and he was stuck in little less than a vegetable state. He could walk and talk but he had the mentality of a four year old boy and he couldn't comprehend the smallest of thigs. I think I woke up crying, and I remember feeling the same guilty twinge that I do now, while I covered my mouth to stiffle the sobs as the doctor continued to explain his condition.

I cannot even put into words how sick I am of feeling bad for being upset with him, for what I see as completely justifiable reasoning. Despite what I did wrong, he is taking every chance he has to hurt me and using it. He knows I care for him and he's trying to make it harder for me. He refused to call me before leaving for Iraq with no explaination other than "There's a lot of people I didn't call before I left." Blowing me off as if I'm just another of his internet friends. At some point, however long ago, I meant more to him than that - and it kills me that those feelings aren't relevant anymore.

I hate that I can't hate him, because I know it'd be a lot easier than this constant confusion. First I'm sad, crying like a baby to some old country song that reminds me of him, or the good times we had together. And then I decide to change this. I send him tons of yahoo offlines stating that I am done for now. That I have no interest in fixing this shit between us because I need to focus on my own life. Finalized it, without being too cold. And then I have days like today (yesterday, considering it's 6am) where he makes me so angry that I'm throwing the picture frame with our Wedding Reception pictures in it, across the room, and screaming. The influence that he has over me is fucking insane. It's also intoxicating - in the most fucked up way possible, right now. But at least I understand exactly what it was that kept me coming back two years ago.

I just want to feel one certain way, for more than twenty-four hours. I am sick to my stomach with grief and tired of feeling as if I'd lost a piece of myself when I can't even say for certain that I am in love with this man anymore. But in love or not, I fucking ACHE whenever I think of how far away he is. Why the hell do I care so much for someone who couldn't bring himself to call his WIFE before spending eighteen months in another country? Fuck, that hurts SO much.

I really think it'd just be easier to be sad and crying all of the time, than to jump back and forth and really believe that I'll be able to leave him behind and focus on my own life, only to fall right back into this web of guilt and tears all over again. I want to get better and I am tired of grieving over a living person. I can't even be fucking mad at him because I'm SO angry at myself and I miss him so fucking much.

This is ridiculous. This is why I fucking drank.

I realized this was all my fault. I deserve you no longer trusting me, and I can't get upset with you about it because you have more than one reason to distrust me I'm sure. I should have been honest. I know that my apologies mean nothing at this point, and that the damage is already done, but it needs to be said.

I made a mistake, as I'm sure I've already made several before that.. When I think about it, the only reason he was around was because you weren't.. not that way I wanted you. I thought he could fill the mass void that consumed my heart because you weren't here for me the way I thought you should've been, despite my treatment of you. It didn't work. I realized nothing could fill the void even the smallest bit. You knew that nothing would work before that, but I didn't. I had to learn for myself, and now I regret ever learning that lesson. Then I wouldn't feel like a barrier suddenly came down between us.

I sometimes wish you weren't so logical, although I admire it. I know I never think logically, which is why I tend to get hurt, hurt others, and fuck things up more often. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it tends to control my thinking and my actions. Even if its completely wrong. The fact that I am that way, and with you thinking logically, it tends to prove badly.

Talking to a friend tonight, she asked me if I remember the first day we met. It made me smile to know that I did. I remember you smiling at me while holding the phone to your ear. Me shying away from you and contemplating running from you, hiding somewhere in the Airport. Spending time with you.. just talking, outside. Smoking, and thanking god for finally allowing me to get to that moment. Recalling past memories makes me smile. Current ones do as well.

Certain memories stick out more than others however. The night of our first month anniversary, sticks out greatly. I remember rushing around all day long to make things perfect for you. I remember making a disaster of dinner and dessert but you smiling at me and telling me it was okay. Seeing you read the card, and tearing up - trying to hide it. Making me feel so.. whole, so loved. So cared for. Making love to me over and over again, and once again - me thanking God for allowing me such happiness, pure bliss. There's so much more too. To list it all would make this post seem like its dragging on forever.

The friend asked how hard it was to deal with being so far from you and if I sometimes just wanted to give up. I thought for a moment and told her just how difficult it is for me. Besides being unable to see you and touch you and tell you I love you to your face, there's always the paranoia that likes to grab at my heart once and a while. Like right now, you aren't talking to me, and I'm worried. You haven't answered your phone for me in days and though I know you're busy, I worry. I miss you so much and it's so painful knowing how much I hurt you ..knowing how easy it is for you to go all day without talking to me once. But even with all the obstacles to overcome, I don't want to give up. I don't recall myself ever wanting to. I know I have wondered why you deal with me because I know you could find better, but I still didn't want to give up. When I almost lost you, It felt like a part of me was going to die. I felt cold, empty, and incomplete. It was a horrible feeling.

I don't ever wish to lose you. I never want to. I have so much to look forward to with you, and those thoughts are sometimes the only thing that help me make it through. That and the knowledge that you love me. You may not be in love with me, but you told me that you do love me, and that's enough for now.

It's been too long since I've had an actual update. Not one consiting of "God, my marriage sucks. I want to die." But more so "This is what I've been up to and this is what I've got planned." Isn't that what a journal is for? Keeping a record of the important events and feelings, instead of rambling on and on for pages about how shitty your relationship and life is? Yeah, I thought so. Oh Well. =)

I was watching Crazy/Beautiful a bit ago - it was the scene where they almost had sex, but the chick's dad came home so they stopped - etc. They were kissing so passionately, and I was completely transfixed by the display on the screen. His hands were in her hair, her arms were wrapped around his waist, and their body language spoke of such an undeniable love. I don't know, perhaps it sounds corny, but seeing this display of affection got me thinking. I have never, ever had a man kiss me that way. Thread his fingers through my hair and attach himself to me in such a way that I felt as though I'd die if his lips moved from my own. It's a shame, really. I can't blame my husband for treating me the way he has - or for wanting to be distanced from me and our marriage. I pushed him so far, every single day. And honestly I'm surprised he didn't snap in a much more violent way. I can't believe the control he has over himself. But that's getting off topic. Anyway, my thought process continued after sadly realizing that I had never before experienced such an incredible feeling that was so easy to read in the faces of both the girl, and the man. But I thought to myself. "Amanda, you're going to do it. You're going to lose the weight, you're going to reach your goal, and you're going to be proud of yourself. You're going to grow into an amazing, and kind woman. Teach yourself to be better - because you know you can be. Go to college, work, support yourself and make every single one of your goals come true. And when you're finished, you're going to make your Husband see just how much you've changed and grown. And if he still doesn't want to kiss you the way Carlos kissed Nicole, you're going to find someone who will. Because the person you're going to become is going to be beautiful all around, and everyone you come in contact with will envy you for the maturity and wisdom you'll have accured."

So maybe it sounds conceited, but it will happen. If I can't be the person I want to be, the person I feel I am meant to be, I have no reason to be, at all. I refuse to live life being depressed and melodramatic over situations that I, myself, caused. Upset about how shitty my life is, when I'm the one who let it turn out that way, and refused to try to change it. I'm not going to fail, because at this juncture of my life - there is no room for failure. I'm not changing for him, that's where I went wrong the first time. I can't change for a man, or for anyone other than myself. As much as I love him, as much as every single piece of my heart and soul cry out for him every single second that I'm away from him - this change HAS to take place for me, from me. But when it's all said and done, and I've done my part - it'll be up to him.

His decision. He'll have to decide whether or not he can put the things I've done to him in the past, and allow himself to love me. The new me. The girl he fell in love with in the beginning, only an updated and more grown up version. At the moment I really do feel as though my life would be dull and wasted if he was not there to share my future with me. But that's not a choice I get to make, because I've already made mine. I chose to push and push, until he wanted nothing more to do with me or our marriage. So I can try as hard as I want to fix what I've broken, but ultimately it's going to depend upon whether or not he can forgive and love me again. I hope that he can, but at the moment I have my doubts.

Regardless, I will get the happiness I deserve. I will learn to love again, if it isn't him who decides to be there for me years from now. Maybe never quite the way I do him, but I can't honestly say that I truly love anyone right now. Because I can't stand me, and in order to truly love someone - you need to be able to love yourself. If you can't open up your heart enough to love the person YOU chose to be - how can you ever really fall in love with anyone else? You can't. The saying sounds cliche but the words hold true. I have complete and total control over the type of person I am. The friends I have, the family I spend time with, the places I go, the words I say, books I read, people I let into my life.. everything. It's as if I'm God. Because I have the control. I can be anyone, and anything I choose. And if I can't seem to love the person I built - there is no way I can love someone else. As wonderful as they may be.

So no. I don't love Jeremy the way a Wife should love her Husband. But I swear on everything that I love him as much as I possibly know how to love anyone. As much as I, with my immature and child like mentality, can possibly muster. He's everything to me - but saying that right now doesn't mean much. And it's this realization that will save our marriage. All this time I've been trying to change me, for him. Better myself so that he could love me. Thinking I loved him more than life itself and that he was my soulmate.

He isn't. He can't allow himself to love someone who's barely more than human. Who is cold hearted and selfish, and completely void of any selfless emotion. So once I fix myself, I can love myself. And once I can love myself, I can love him totally. I can be the woman he needs, and give him the unconditional love and caring I thought I'd always had for him. And then maybe, if he decides it's worth it to try - he can allow himself to love me. And if that day comes, I'll finally be the definition of happy. Never before have I felt true happiness. I hope to God I'll get that chance with the one Man who means more to me than anyone in this world.

I have high hopes. I think I'm beginning to understand the way things work, and why he couldn't love me as the person I am.

When I was still living in Kansas with him, we had all these plans. We were going to drive to Texas to visit his ex, my best friend at the time, and to see her daughter, who Jeremy considered his own - despite the fact that she wasn't his. We were going to roadtrip down there during his block leave and spend a week having an awesome time with our friends. ..And then shit hit the fan.

She betrayed me. She turned her back as my friend because she saw an opening. She'd never been able to get over the fact that Jeremy had chosen ME to be his girlfriend, his best friend, his lover, and then his Wife. She'd admitted to me before that she wasn't "sure" if she was still in love with him or not. She would change the topic every chance she had because she knew that if she was to tell me, I'd catch on. I was an idiot, and I should have seen it earlier, but I didn't. And when she had her opening, she went for it. She sent me a ridiculous myspace message telling me she would never forgive me if she was never able to talk to him again (why the hell would that happen? It wasn't as if the man was going to hang himself.. she makes no fucking sense), and that she wanted nothing to do with me any longer. All of a sudden, she's his best friend, his confidant, his "shoulder". And I miss out because he has someone there, he doesn't need me to lean on. And not only do I lose my Husband and my best friend, but the next person in line who I thought I could trust with everything, kicked me to the curb and threw me away like a piece of discarded trash.

And how do we add salt to the wound they already ripped open? He goes to see her without me. He tells me that his vacation was taken away, (which apparently was not a lie) and I am very much aware that without my income he does not have the funds to actually go see her, but the next thing I know.. our checking account shows a charge made in ..-drumroll-.. Garland, Texas! So I ask him about it and he informs me that he basically drove to Texas against orders stating he wasn't to leave the base, and he's hanging out there with the backstabbing, manipulative, Husband stealing, homewrecking, whore.

Huh. Good to know. I wasn't even gone a fucking WEEK when he started his little journey. And he didn't, of course, even bother to let me know what he was doing before he did it. No, he waited 'til a week later when I asked him directly, to inform me. Not only that, but he couldn't even say the words. He had to settle for "I continued with the plans I had before this." Why couldn't he just say "I drove down to Texas to see the ex girlfriend of mine who's been trying to throw herself at me for years, and who's helped me cheat on you repeatedly in the past." Would've been a bit less upsetting, honestly.

So when I emailed him back, I was a mess. I was venting and emotional and going on and on about how much I loved him, how jealous I was. I can only imagine the response I'll get. He'll ignore everything emotional and pertaining to our relationship and focus merely on the tiny details I supplied about bills and our cat. -rolls eyes.- This entire situation is just.. ridiculous. I am sitting here daily, feeling so lost and confused, crying every single night, fighting the urge to slit my wrists or down a bottle of pills, and he's out living it up with that she-devil. Lovely.

Because I wasn't already depressed and fucked up in the head enough as is, right? He has to rub in my face that he clearly hasn't given me a single thought since I left. And while I spend every moment, both concious and while asleep, mooning over him, telling everyone how much I love and miss him, cuddling up to his fucking blanket and clutching at his dog tags.. he's doing god knows what with the one person who's betrayed me worse than anyone, ever.

They're both lucky I won't have money until the end of the month. Cheaptickets.com is fucking bookmarked.

Secret: I'm not an idiot. I knew you were using me to get closer to my Husband. You couldn't stand the fact that the two of you dated and he chose ME over you. He MARRIED me, not you. He wanted a future with ME, not you. And then you parade around as my "best friend" for over a year until the two of us have a falling out and GASP! You swoop in, take his side, tell me off, and claim that you never want to speak to me again.

Well, jee, whore. I fucking wonder why. It's not some coincidence, don't insult me by expecting me to believe that rot.

Guess what, bitch? I've got news for you. You won't win, he will never be yours, EVER again. Back off and keep your fucking hands off what doesn't belong to you.

Thanks.

My mindset at the moment is insane. Literally. I feel the sanity slowly draining right out of me. Two people who were friends of mine for years, who were there for me through the most screwed up issues, are throwing it all away because Jeremy and I didn't work out. Now, tell me - how did I know that was going to happen? They claim it's because of the things that I did, but I know better. Jeremy -told- me to do these things, he encouraged it. It is not my fault that he was playing mind games and wanted to test me. The point is, he told me he was perfectly okay with it. Yes, I lied, and obviously I should not have - however, what goes on inside of my marriage is the business of Jeremy and I, not anyone who decides to stick their noses in it. I am not sure if I'm hurt or simply disgusted myself.

I knew the friendship with him was slipping. He and I have not been friends for a while. It's been a pathetic facade for quite some time. However it still bothers me that he jumped to Jeremy's side without a second's hesitation. Although he is not my main concern. My anger resides with the girl. She has done this to me before. Betrayed me, took his side simply because she has not been able to get over him. Gave me false reasons for her actions. I'm not an idiot, I don't care what you may think. I know why she's doing what she is. She wants him back. Hell, she'll probably get him back. But the fact that she didn't even BOTHER to let me explain or say anything to her before she decided to simply discard me and the last year of my friendship because she is too pathetic to accept that he and I were together?

I thought she was a good person. I thought she and I had a wonderful friendship and that we'd accepted each other's faults, and moved on. I suppose I was wrong. That fact is painfully obvious at this point. I'm not upset, really. I'm just.. a bit irked. I don't need negative forces in my life, I have enough people bringing me down as it is. I just think it's incredibly funny how quickly she works. She doesn't waste any time, now does she? And he's using endearments with her, she's blocking her profile, sending me messages, blocking me. REFUSING to let me say a word about the situation?

When the hell did this ever involve YOU? When you were causing my husband to cheat on me? When you were manipulating him with your daughter? When you were being a lying, twofaced, little bitch? Do you honestly think I had no idea what your true intentions were? No. I'm not being paranoid as everyone was accusing - I was being smart, and observational. I knew all along exactly what you wanted. You couldn't even tell me honestly that you weren't still in love with MY husband. He chose me over you, and you could not accept it. You had to wait until two years later after HE and I were having issues to coddle him and take his side, and for what? To get back in his good graces because you're too sad to find someone else? Fine. Good luck, sweetheart. Because I truly hope you know what you're getting yourself into. And I sincerely hope the two of you are bunches of happy together.

Congrats, sweetheart. You just inherited a sadistic, abusive, deranged, killer. Go you!

I'm finally doing it. After all this fucking hell and bullshit I'm leaving him. I'll be back in Michigan on Tuesday and I am so fucking excited I can't even explain. I feel nauseous and my head is killing me from too many cigarettes and crying too hard. Part of me, such a small tiny part is wondering if I'm making a mistake. But I know it's the right thing to do. He forced me out of love with him and things will never be the same between us. Ever. I don't even know what to type right now. I hope he enjoys his life and that he comes home safe and meets a wonderful woman who he treats right and has lots of little babies.

Heh.

Things aren’t getting better. Things will never get better. I know I was being a cunt, I know. I always am. There are certain situations I always approach the wrong way. But maybe if he wasn’t such a distant, mean, unloving, unaffectionate dickhead who’s leaving for Iraq in a month.. I wouldn’t be so fucking bitter. Hell, who knows. Most of its just excuses on my part – I know that. I just hate the way things are right now. I hate everything about my living situation. I need to go home, but he’s leaving too soon for that and any chance I have of rectifying this situation will be lost if I were to leave now. He’ll see me as giving up on him and us and I don’t want to do that.

Even though right now I can hear him on the phone making his snide fucking remarks to people on the phone who are undoubtedly women. I think he does this just to torture me. But who can blame him, really? I talk to Jeremiah because It bothers him. I crave the attention that Jeremiah feeds me. I know my Husband would hate me for it. I think a part of me is perfectly okay with that.

He told me the other night while the two of us were drinking that he thinks the reason he can’t be happy with me is because I’m female. Well, fuck. Am I supposed to grow a cock overnight? I know he’s had women issues in the past and I understand where he’s coming from but these are revelations that should have been discovered and dealt with BEFORE he proposed. BEFORE he paid the money to send my ass across the country away from my entire family and all of my friends. BEFORE he said “I do” in front of god and the judge.

And he just expects me to deal with the idea of him never being able to be in love with me? I don’t understand how the fuck that’s possible. I am in love with him, as much as I fucking hate his guts, I am. He’s the reason I wake up wanting to vomit. Why I slice into my skin almost every time we argue. Why I spend such a large amount of time crying and wondering why the fuck I’m even here.

This is babble that makes no sense. All I want to do is take that fucking phone and beat him over the fucking head with it. He has done so many fucked up things to me.. things I told myself I would never allow in a relationship. I promised myself I would not be my Mother.


Fucking A. I’m already screwed.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Your face was lit beautifully by the flame of the lighter you held in your hand. I was staring, completely transfixed by the total irony of the situation, To think I was admiring each one of your beautiful features while you sat thinking of how much you loathed me. And in that moment I wanted to laugh until my chest was aching and I couldn't breathe. But I sat there staring, willing myself not to cry, instead. My wrist leaning against the keyboard and burning from the cuts I'd made with our mailbox key only a few moments ago. Slashes which would end our marriage indefinitely, slashes that only half of me hope you discover. Its funny how when your entire world is completely falling apart, you stop and take notice of the minuscule things. As much as I wish to be done, I never will be. You’ve consumed every bit of me and nothing which was once mine, is anymore. I hate you for this, but at the same time it’s that which makes me love you all the more. You’re inside every crevice of my soul and despite the fact that my heart burns of you, I feel lightheaded and content. Maybe this won’t all be for nothing after all. And even if it is … fuck it. It doesn’t matter anymore.

He tells me that I need to grow up, that he doesn't have the patience to be my father and my husband about this cutting thing. I don't think he gets it. I don’t do it because I’m immature, I do it because it’s that or I scream and yell at him, treating him like shit and chasing him away. He hates me for that, so I found an alternative. I don’t want to hurt or upset him but things get so fucking overwhelming and I panic. And he threatens to divorce me, and on top of that he calls my Mother and gets her involved. As if she doesn’t have enough shit on her fucking plate right now as it is? I’m 19, I don’t need my mother worrying about me anymore.

He says he doesn’t understand it, but he thinks I fucking do? That I enjoy being a freak who can’t help but slice into her own skin because the problems of being an adult and living in the real world are just too hard to deal with? I hate it. Every single aspect of it makes me sick and disgusts me to the point of nausea. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m going to lose him and it scares the fuck out of me. I don’t know how else to deal.

I fucking hate this. I love him so much but I feel like it’s killing me.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m not sixteen, why can’t I stop from cutting myself up? I don’t understand the way my brain malfunctions. Before it was easy to blame on the alcohol, but every single day I fight internally to keep from slicing into my own skin. And today, it won.

He hates me. I could see it in his eyes before he walked out the door. I know I’m hard to live with.. but he is too, and I could never hate him. This hurts so fucking much. It’s too tempting to shove the knife into my chest instead. My god, listen to me. I sound like a crazy emotional teeny-bopping attention whore. And I hate that. It fucking sickens me. I don’t un.. Why can’t I be normal? And why does this have to be so goddamned hard?

He’s out there driving around pissed off doing who knows what because I made him so mad he had to leave his own house. At least I didn’t tell him to do it this time... heh. I’m so torn between being pissed off and hurt. Between leaving the house, using his money to pay for a taxi, and between cowering in the corner and begging him to beat me. This is sick and wrong and… it just needs to be fixed. But I don’t think it can be. I think I’m destined to lose him, or myself. Frankly at the moment I don’t know which is better.

I just want to be rid of it all. I want him to be happy, not disgusted and angry all the time. I think he was right, I think it’s impossible for him to be happy. And I fear if we do go to Michigan it’ll all be an act, so what’s the point?

What’s the fucking point of anything? I wish I had the guts sometimes.

So.. I got a job!!

It's a great one too. It's at company called Alorica. They do customer service for Cingular Wireless. I'm really excited, because I start out making $9/hr for training for the first five weeks, then when I hit the floor I'll make $9.50/hr. Plus, if I work passed 6:00pm, I'll make an extra 25cents, and on weekends and extra dollar. So I could make up to $10.75/hr if I work passed 6:00pm on a weekend. =) Not to mention that it's a guaranteed forty hours a week, with a lot of oppurtunities to work overtime. =) So as far as money goes, we should be fine. We've been living paycheck to paycheck and going negative every two weeks, so this should definitely help out a LOT. I'm really happy about it. I'm not sure what Jeremy thinks - he did say he was proud of me but he's not really one to fawn all over me and go "Omg, that's so awesome, CONGRATS!" But there's another advantage to this, because I'll be getting out of the house and finally feel as though I'm contributing to this marriage. No longer will it be "his" money, but "ours." And I know that even without me having a job, it should be that way because we're married, but he's had a lot of bad experiences with women and he's a bit untrustworthy toward the lot of 'em. So I can't say I blame him for being worried about me running off with his money when he leaves the country. But it doesn't matter anymore because I am officially on his bank account and will be receiving my own debit card in a few weeks. =)

I also think this'll keep us from arguing because normally when he comes home from work, I'm wanting to go out and do something because of sitting in the house all day long. This way, we'll both be coming home from work and we'll both want to chill out in front of the computer or t.v and unwind. It's nice, =). It'll probably reduce arguments and petty fights over stupid things. We haven't been too bad lately, though. There was an incident last week where we started arguing and he packed his shit and left, but after I called my mother sobbing, she called him and he took me to dinner and we were a lot better afterward. Nothing was discussed, we just let it go and became all cuddly again. We argued last night too, but I don't know why. He got mad at me for reasons completely unknown to me, and when I spoke to him my irritance was obvious in my voice - causing him to lash out because of my "attitude" tone. I don't know how we'll be today, frankly I'm not worried about it.

I met a girl on freecycle who was giving away her female cat and after talking to Jeremy about it, we adopted her. =D She is THE cutest thing ever. Gray all over, fat as hell, and the fluffiest cat I've ever seen. She's such a baby, too. She loves to be held and cuddled, and she'll meow at you if she wants to be pet. I think we're spoiling her but I don't care. If I'm not getting a baby, I want something to make my own. =) Anyway though, after the girl gave us Ashes, she called us over there to pick up a bunch of random shit again last night. We stayed over there and hung out for about an hour or so and talked with her and her husband. They seem like really nice people and I'm pretty excited because I don't have any friends around here and she's all about hanging out sometime. Jeremy's not much of a people person but he seemed to like them well enough.

Anyway, just thought I'd post a not so depressing post this time and update a bit. I think my Sims are calling so I'm going to end this and wake him up.

We're fighting pretty badly right now. Well, no. Fighting isn't the right word. We're just.. bad. Things between us are not good. I make him feel like shit, I hurt him without realizing it, and then I just.. it rips me apart. I keep picturing the day he tells me he wants me gone. Me packing all of my things into suitcases, going through all of our pictures and memories. Leaving the house, saying goodbye, and boarding the plane.. without him. I can't even handle thinking about it, let alone actually doing it. I can't lose him.. I've waited all my life for someone so incredible and to think that I'd let him get away because I'm selfish and stupid and never know when to keep my mouth shut? I don't know what I'd do. I don't know how life would continue for me after something like that. I just.. I want to make him see how much I love him, how sorry I am for being such an idiot. I wish I had a magic wand.

I realized something today that's been in the back of my mind for a while now. I don't deserve him. Throughout our entire relationship I have put him through hell and despite the fact that he's had his moments.. generally I have ruined things for us. I chose to let myself sink to such a low and disgusting level, which ended up ripping him and our marriage apart. I let these things go on, I let these things occur. If I hadn't.. we'd be happy. He and I would be okay and he would trust me.. and everything would be fine. But I'm a selfish whore and I don't deserve to be with him, let alone married to him. And I certainly don't deserve to have access to his money or military benefits.

I really think I should just leave. I know he loves me but I also know how unhappy he is. I don't know how to change that. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done wrong and I can't say or do anything that's going to make it okay. Maybe a divorce isn't what he wants.. but a baby isn't something he wants either, simply because he doesn't see us lasting. So if that's how he feels, wouldn't it just be easier to end things now and let him move on? Let him hate me and devote himself to someone more worthy? Someone who can take care of his emotional and physical needs better than me?

Maybe. But I guess I'm selfish. I love him so much, and the mere idea of losing him is just breaking my heart. I can't stop crying despite the fact that I can't breathe and my head is pounding. The idea of taking a sharp kitchen knife and slicing into my own skin is sounding much more fun and soothing than anything else at the moment. I'm trying to be strong but I'm falling apart and ..I just can't lose him. I'll lose myself and ..I just can't.

I don't know what to do. I wish praying actually worked.

So, I don't really know what to think, or how to feel. I'm confused and hurt, that much I know - but beyond that it's a total mystery. I feel as though my marriage is literally just falling apart in front of my eyes and I haven't the faintest idea how to make things better. He tells me he doesn't think he's going to get power of attorney because he doesn't trust me, and then I find an email from him to his ex telling her how beautiful he thinks her eyes are and how he misses her. I'm suddenly less focused on him not trusting me, and more on not trusting him. I don't think it's that big of a deal though, the second, because he's a pretty honest guy. Doesn't cover up the way he feels, and it's harmless words - but it still scares me. Very rarely do I get "You're beautiful" or any other compliment beyond "I love you" or "I miss you" when he's away. And even lately those are coming less and less. But really, the amount of compliments he gives me isn't the issue. Him not trusting me, his WIFE, enough to have access to his bank account is. Along with the fact that all the signs are pointing to me being pregnant.. with a baby he's made quite obvious he doesn't want.

So what do I do? Abort the child and spend the rest of my life being bitter toward him and angry at myself? Keep the child and force him to be a father when he's obviously not ready, causing him to be bitter and angry toward me forever? I was really foolish, this much I know for sure. I was convinced that a child was something he wanted out of this marriage - and maybe he still does, maybe he just doesn't want it now. But I'm really getting the impression that... hm. I don't know how to put it, but lately I feel as though he doesn't see me being the long haul. That he doesn't really expect this marriage to last forever. I may very well be jumping to conclusions but I cannot help the sinking feeling I have in the pit of my stomach when I think about the possibility of being pregnant. I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but I can't stay with a man who is disgusted by the idea of having me bear his child. I want a family, and I need someone who wants that as well. I thought he did, maybe I was wrong.

But even that isn't a real problem yet because there's a chance I'm not. Hell, there's a chance I may not even be able to have children. What I am focused on at the moment is the fact that he married me, and he doesn't even trust me enough to allow me access to his bank account. I'm going to be stuck moving back to my mother's house when he deploys to Iraq because I won't have his money to pay for food or bills. And yeah, I need a job - but working for frickin' Mcdonalds or some grocery store isn't going to be enough to support myself. I didn't graduate High school, how far am I really going to get career wise? Obviously that's all my fault, but he knew that going into this marriage and by marrying me, those problems became OURS, instead of just mine. ..Ugh.

Worst case scenerio is me and my child living in my mother's house at nineteen years old, while my husband spends fifteen months in Iraq. I feel like my life is just spiraling out of control and I can't do anything except watch it, and deal with the aftermath - whatever that may be. This is all over the place.. god. I'm just, well - at the moment I am absolutely miserable. I miss him every single second of the day and everytime we talk on the phone he has some attitude in his tone or he's angry and hanging up on me for something. I just feel like we don't really have any issues ..well, beyond the possible pregnancy and his untrusting bullshit, and that all we need to do is learn to let arguments and fights go. We're a couple, which means that we're going to get mad as hell at one another, scream, yell, fight, throw shit, say things we don't mean .. but that doesn't mean we don't love eachother or that we can't work things out. We just need to figure out how to let the arguments ago, forgive eachother, and move on without holding a grudge. Which is something I think he really needs to work on. A lot.

Maybe he's right - maybe deep down I was just being a whore. But I'm not that person anymore, and as much as he complains about me changing - I feel that in certain ways I've actually changed for the better. The idea of marriage and children was a completely laughable concept not too long ago. I always wanted this life with him, but because of obvious circumstances, I never expected to get that chance - so I just ..laughed off all of that bullshit, feeling as if none of it were for me. Then he comes back into my life and we sort everything out.. and suddenly the idea of being a housewife or homemaker, even mother at 19.. that wasn't so scary. I threw myself into this so suddenly, and have never regretted it since. I had six days to get used to the idea of being a thousand miles away from everything I've ever known, and that night on the plane I realized that I didn't need to get used to anything. I embraced my new life with open arms and I was excited about it. I want to be Mrs. freakin' Cleaver; an amazing wife, an incredible mother.. I want all the things I rejected less than six months ago. And I want these things for HIM, because I love him more than anything and all I want is to see him happy. To grow old with him, watch our kids go off to college and get married, and be around long enough to spoil our grandkids.

God.. I just - why can't I ever be good enough for him? He can't possibly have standards that are beyond reachable, so it must be something wrong with me. I don't understand why I'm so dysfunctional. This marriage shouldn't be so difficult.. he should be able to look into my eyes and see how much I love him, and know that I would never again do anything that could ever potentially hurt him, not even a tiny bit. Why can't he just.. look at me and -know- that he can trust me? Why do I always feel I'm lecturing him about how much I love and need him, and how he can believe the things I say? I am never going to be able to take back the one thing that is ruining our marriage, so where does that leave us? It's been almost a year now and he still hasn't forgotten or moved on from that, so what's going to happen to us and our future? Are we even going to have a future?

This bullshit is just making my head hurt. I know I'm not an outstanding person but I try, I try so goddamned hard. I just.. gah. I'm so tempted to throw myself off the balcony at times. He tells me that he loves me, that he doesn't want anybody else.. but then that stupid email from Tara pops up and I see him telling other women he misses them.. and he doesn't even trust me the way a husband should trust his wife. What am I doing wrong? How can I fix this and us so that we're happy?

Why can't he see how much I adore him? Ugh. I'm going to sleep.

Why is it that just when I feel as if things are starting to improve, they become more fucked up than they've ever been? Is there some greater power that's dead-set on making our marriage fail? Is he -not- the person who I thought he was? Are we not meant to be together? Why the hell can't I get some fucking answers?

I have not been this upset in a very, very long time. As my Husband he is supposed to believe in what I say, he is not supposed to go around fucking doubting me. If he couldn't handle that small task, he should not have brought up marriage in the first place. He should not have bought me a one-way plane ticket to be with him, to start a life with him. He should have never returned my phone calls at all.

And why is it that men don't understand that when women leave the room, explaining that they want to be alone or away from them, it doesn't fucking mean permanently? But rather that I was SO fucking angry and upset that my heart was literally being ripped to pieces and I needed time to sort through my thoughts and try to remain at least a bit sane? I feel.. I feel like I need to just tell him that I can't do this anymore - but I can't do that either. The idea of being away from him is making me sick to my stomach and I just.. I just want things to be okay again.

But who am I kidding? Things have never been "okay" between Jeremy and I. We argue all of the time over the most miniscule of things and then every single fucking thing gets blown so far out of proportion that it seems Divorce is the only answer, most times. Maybe that's the real appeal of this relationship. Maybe it's because things are so fucking intense all of the time, that he's fooled himself into thinking that I am his soulmate, as well. But maybe the fact of the matter is we're mistaking intensity for a good thing when all it really is, is bitterness and arguments that get blown into huge, long lasting fights.

I really, really need some fucking answers. I'd rather not go home but I can't even tell if that's just to stay out of my mother's house, or if I still want to be with him. I'm so angry and upset that I can't even tell anymore. I feel like he's pushing me away, keeping me at a distance, and that it's starting to make me fall out of love with him. When we argue, I feel apathetic and just.. tired. No longer do I cry and feel pain unless it is special circumstances, such as last night. Most times I just shrug it off and go on with my life. Read, write, do my own thing. The passion is dying and I'm losing him. But do I even care anymore, I mean.. really?

Does he?

It's complete bullshit that I've been forced to sit up at 5:30 in the morning and type out a journal entry because I am so annoyed by someone's inconsiderate behavior that I literally cannot go back to sleep.

My husband can be such a royal pain in the ass sometimes. I mean, I understand that a lot of the time our arguments occur because of my attitude, but he definitely has his moments. I tried repeatedly to talk to him last night because I was frustrated. We'd just had a conversation/argument the night prior about my attitude and I stayed up in the middle of the night reading over old emails exchanged between the two of us - cute things said before we'd been married. I was hoping this exercise would give me a greater understanding of what was at sake because at the time I was just too pissed off to care and I knew how dangerous that was.

So I get back to bed last night with a renewed sense of hope and admiraton for this man, vowing that the next day together would be different, better. And it was. He woke up late for work which you'd think would've set him off to a shitty mood from the beginning considering in the Army they are not very lenient about such things - but it didn't, and we had a good day overall. He came home early from work and we were able to spend more time together. We conversed about random things, messed around, joked, and had fun.

Then toward the end of the night it kind of changed. He started talking to me with what I interpreted as an attitude and I was trying to find out why he was upset. He claims he wasn't but at the time he certainly sounded like it. Either way it sort of set us in the direction of bad and while I tried repeatedly to resolve the situation he just shut down and started acting like a child. Finally he said something that royally pissed me the hell off, and I told him goodnight in a cold tone, falling asleep shortly thereafter.

So I wake up in the middle of the night with the world's most painful migraine, take a powerful motrin, and try climbing back into bed when he does this poor attempt at playful (after I'd just complained about my head) and covers my head with his hands and the blanket, rocking it back and forth. I kept the obviously annoyed tone out of my voice and asked him to please stop, explaining that my head was absolutely killing me - and he throws a fit. "That doesn't effect your headache" blahblah, making me so goddamned angry that I had to get up out of bed because the only thought repeating over and over in my brain was "punch as hard as humanly possible, right in the penis."
Sigh.

Why couldn't you just be a civilized human being and apologize, and resume sleeping? Why the bitching, insulting, and starting of another flipping argument? These issues we're having lately, they're as much your problem as mine. If you weren't so thickheaded and inconsiderate, I wouldn't be so quick to pop off at the mouth with something rude.

Jackass.

So, things have been going fairly well. Jeremy and I argue here and there and a lot of the time little things get blown out of proportion, but our relationship has always been far from perfect. We had a long talk the other night about what the issues in our relationship were, and we've seemingly been getting along a lot better. The only problem I have anymore is the bitter remarks he makes about my past mistakes. He seems to have this insane idea that I slept with someone intentionally to hurt him. Yes, I was still in love with Jeremy, obviously, but the situation sucked and circumstances were very different from what they are now. I messed up in a huge way, but I'd never set out to hurt him on purpose. Never. Even if he knows that's true, it doesn't stop him from being bitter and resentful toward me almost a year after it happened. I don't know what to do about this because it seems as if he'll never get over what happened and there isn't a thing I can do or say to help him along. It's frustrating to say the least, and is usually the cause of tension or arguments. I suppose I'm stuck with ignoring his blatantly rude comments, at this point I see no other option.

In other news, we were officially given the keys to our very first apartment together, yesterday. ;D I know, right?! Eek. ;x We've been rooming with his buddy, who's also in the Army, since I moved down here to be with him. The guy's nice and everything but I really need that time alone with him sometimes. Not to mention the fact that he is a male, and being around males in general has always made me extremely uncomfortable unless they were Jeremy, my family, or long time friends. Even then I usually didn't let myself be in a situation where I was alone with one for an extended period of time. Although with Jeremy, as soon as I met him I was one hundred percent comfortable right off the bat. I kept telling him that we must've known eachother in a past life or something because there's no way that me being so comfortable with him so quickly is remotely normal. Sounds a bit odd, but our entire relationship has been that way. ;o

Anyhow - our new place. We have no furniture, we're taking his computer and stereo from his mother's (which is where we're at now, thus me being online), and Ace (our former roomate) is allowing us to use his air mattress until we're able to get our own bed. It'll be rough at first, but I think most newlyweds struggle in the beginning. Besides, all I need his him to make me feel complete. =P Hah, that sounded so cheesy, but it's true. As much as we bicker and fight over -the- most miniscule of things, we truly are perfect for one another. We balance eachother out in every way (except that we're both very stubborn, moreso him than me, however) and even just sitting silently next to eachother is.. well, what's another word for perfect? Nirvana. Yes, that'll work. -Sigh.-

So, my birthday was the 13th of March, and him being the amazing Husband that he is, decided that since he had a four-day weekend, the weekend after my birthday, we were going to drive all the way to Michigan to visit my relatives for my birthday. ;D The drive sucked, because omgLONG and mapquest lied about the estimated time.. and, he almost fell asleep at the wheel, and and.. well - it sucked, but the visit was amazing.

Friday we went to dinner with my Grandparents, Aunt, Cousin, Uncle (on my mother's side), my Mom, and all of my siblings. It was really nice. Jeremy was still wearing his Uniform and older people kept coming up to him to shake his hand or thank him - and although it made him uncomfortable, it was beautiful to watch. Made me teary-eyed a few times, even. I'm so damned proud of him. ;D Anyway though, we ended up sitting at the end of the table with my Grandparents and the four of his conversed throughout the entire meal. I didn't get a chance to hang out with my Mother, Uncle, or Aunt much at dinner because they were seated at the opposite end of the table, but it was still really nice. My grandmother later commented that she was very pleased with how gentle he was with me, (He's always petting my hair, or rubbing my back) and my Grandfather seemed to like him, as well.

Friday night we drove over to Cassie's, planning to just visit for a few, when we were sort of roped into drinking with them. Not really though, 'cause I missed partying over there WAY too much, and he probably really wanted liquor after that stressful drive up. It was a lot of fun, we played this weird ass drinking game which I believe was called Categories .. and Jeremy threw up.! I never thought I'd see that, though I think it was more of a wet burp? He was sitting upright, in the middle of saying something, when he just jerked and there was vomit on his face. Literally didn't even know it was coming. If it wasn't so gross, It would've been hilarious at the time. I'm not convinced that he actually had enough to drink, that he'd throw up. Either way, the game ended a while later, people left and we passed out in their living room.

Saturday We continued hanging out with Cassie and Chris. The four of us met Crystal and Mat at the bowling alley, played a little Pool, watched them DDR, and then the four of us left again to get some Taco Bell. They left from there to pick up the kids and we went back to my house. Hung out there for a bit before my Mom came home, and then we went and got Chinese for dinner. After dinner, we drove over to my Aunt Crystal's (my dad's sister) and he spent time getting to know her and her Husband. We didn't even leave 'til after 1:30 in the morning, and had a lot of fun over there. Cracking jokes, telling stories, watching Boondock Saints, and eating Pizza. It was a really good night, and they both really like him as well.

Sunday was the most hectic day of all. My family threw together a wedding reception for Jeremy and I, and the entire family (save for my selfish brother) attended. We had a house full of people dying to meet him, and converse with him. They all wanted to talk with him and decide whether or not they approved. =P And, they -all- did. I had relatives coming up to me left and right telling me about the good vibes they got from him, how nice of a guy he seems, how I have great taste - etc. It was really nice, but I think the best part was them seeing me happy. I'm not sure I've ever been truly happy until he and I were together, and I know my family's never seen me really happy.

We had a lot of fun. When we fed eachother the traditional cake, he decided it would be funny to shove it in my face and smear it all around. I was so shocked that I just kind of stood there with an idiot expression on my face, before promptly grabbing a huge piece and reciprocating. ;D The pictures from that.. just, wow. Definitely myspace worthy, lol.

After the cake, we did presents - and oh my god, my family surprised the hell out of me. All of my relatives, except for my Grandmother on my mom's side, gave us cash (though she threw in $200 as well as the beautiful gifts) and we ended up leaving there with $650 in cash. Definitely something we needed, considering we were going to borrow money from my mother in order to get home. We sort of calculated wrong before we left for the trip. Anyhow, though - my Grandmother literally had the two of us near tears when we opened the present from her. There was this gorgeous keep-sake box that played music when you opened it, and the song was "You Light Up My Life". She explained in such a sweet manner that while the two of us were at Dinner on Friday, I was "sparkling" and he was "glowing" so she thought it was an appropriate song for the two of us. She wanted us to put little things in there to remind us of the day and our love for eachother, as well as putting a picture of the two of us on the front of the box. The next thing was a really pretty journal which she bought specifically so that I would have something to write my thoughts in feelings in, when he left for Iraq. She also gave us thank you cards which were definitely a good idea considering neither one of us would've thought to send those out.

All in all, it was a great weekend. He seemed to really enjoy being around my family and each and every one of them just adore him. I really cannot wait until July when we're able to go back for our family's little "Christmas in July" gathering. ;D

He's awake now, So I'm going to end this and go bug him. =D

I miss my husband tremendously. We live in Fort Riley Kansas, but I've been staying with his mother two and a half hours away in Kansas City because he got himself in trouble at work (He's in the army) and was stuck with extra duty which meant he didn't get home 'til after 11pm each night. I figured it'd be better that way since at least there's a computer here and with us having a male roomate who I don't know very well, I'd feel less awkward here. Suddenly I am realizing how incredibly stupid I am for presenting the idea. We're moving into our own apartment on the 23rd of March, and he's talking about having me stay here until then. Mostly for financial reasons with not wanting to waste gas money since we have to come back here and get our wedding rings from the sizers next week - and some furniture from his Mother's that belong to him, when we move into the new place. But, I don't care. Selfish ? Maybe. I'm tired of being away from him. My heart -aches- whenever he isn't near, and a week without him has been extremely difficult to deal with. I'm trying to explain this to him as best as I can because I know my reasoning is selfish, but I can't be away from him any longer. He's deploying for Iraq in September, and he goes to the field (In California) for training in April ..so if he were to leave me here 'til we move into our apartment, it'll give us a whole two weeks before I'm forced away from him again. I don't want to do that, I feel as if we're wasting precious time together and even though it would be beneficial for me to stay here until then, I just.. I can't. I hope he'll realize that I'm right and let me come home. I told him that with me being here, there was no way for us to get all our things in order. I need to get a military I.D, my name legally changed, a new social security card with said name change, and I desperately need a job. He said he'd consider what I said, but I'm really wondering if maybe he just doesn't feel like driving two and a half hours here to get me. Which is bullshit, considering he could've come last night - but now it's either today or not until next week, since he has formation at 6am on Monday morning. God, I'm going to go insane if I have to spend another day bored online, or conversing with his cats.

69 questions for your reading pleasure.... (Stolen from Ravynsong)

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
My Husband, when he's not right next to me.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Not most of the time. I was a cart pusher, I deserve to be lazy. ;/

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
If I know everyone there, talker. If not, listener.

4. Do you take compliments well?
I do when they're from Him. Otherwise, I get awkward.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
I don't even know what that is. o.0

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Hah, no.

7 . Do you like to ride horses?
I've only had the pleasure of doing so once, and I believe I was about 11 or so. I'd like to do it again, though.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Just to Space Camp for a week in 5th Grade.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Playing School, definitely. I liked barbies a lot too.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, what would you do?
Kindly tell him I am in a committed relationship.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
I don't really have many, so yes.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
A bit of both, but there will be no further pursuing from either end.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
A couple, depending upon my mood.

16. In bed, naughty or nice?
Teehee. ;x

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
No, and I'll never have the desire to learn.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would grab?
My husband, and the stuffed ktiten he gave me on our first christmas together. Oh, and my cell phone. :D

19. How often do you read books?
I used to read daily, now that I don't have access to books, whenever I find one that perks my interest.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Future, lately.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
Hm .. I don't have one. I do remember reading Lois Duncan and Christopher Pike religiously around 6th grade and on, however.

22. What color are your eyes?
Blue.

23. Who is your best friend?
My Husband/My mom.

24. Where is your dream house located?
London.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes, and usually with three other people - definitely an interesting time trying to squeeze all of us into one.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
I've never been there.

30. Where was the farthest place you traveled?
Texas.

32. Do you like mustard?
I eat it on very few things.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep - I don't need anymore food. -.-

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
My Dad, no question.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
Depends on if it's a shave shower or not.

36. Can you do the spilts?
Hahahaha.

39. What did you do for New Year's?
Got really drunk with Cassie, Chris, Mike, three random chicks, and two other random guys.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
The second one was. ><

42. Do you own a camera phone?
Yes.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
LoL. No.

45. What's the last 4 letters of your middle name?
Lynn.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
It depends. When I'm home with Jeremy, four - at the most, usually. When I'm here at his mother's, as many as I want.

48. Do you like care bears?
I never have.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Raisinettes. ;D

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, and I kick ass at Texas Hold 'Em.

51. Do you wear your seat belt?
Yes.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
Pajamas sometimes. Underwear/bra, sometimes. Nothing, sometimes. The clothes I had on, sometimes.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Lots of things, I grew up near Detroit.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Lately, one.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Nope.

56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
It depends on whether or not there's a catchy title.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I think it would depend on the person.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Unfortunately, no.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
I hardly ever eat cookies.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
No.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I use Youtube. ;D

63. Do you hate chocolate?
I dislike most of it.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
We fought about anything. I was very rude and selfish.

65. Are you a gullible person?
It really depends.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
No, I'm happily Married. ;D

67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
English/Drama teacher, author on the side.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Normally, as long as you're not a complete moron we'll be just fine.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
5pm, when he gets off work. =)

I'm really beginning to hate some of the choices I made years ago. Stupid choice to become obsessed with the internet and finding chat rooms with like-minded people who were intelligent and interesting to talk to. I know how pathetic it may sound, but I was very close to some of those people, three years is a long time (especially on the 'net) to be friends with someone. When you're making friends on the internet, what else do you have but communication? There's no playing Pool, going to the Movies, getting drunk together - nothing but words. So when you allow people to get close to you via the internet, you have to talk - to communicate. So three years of talking, and suddenly I'm completely alone. I find myself googling for online chatrooms so that I can just fucking start over. These people, god - they meant so fucking much to me and none of them give a damn about me anymore. Again, I realize how sad this sounds.. but I was so much closer to them than anyone in real life. Hell, I met my fucking husband in an online chat room, if that tells you anything. I just.. the mistake I made which led me to losing all of these people, in essence is what brought he and I together, so no - I don't wish to take it back. I wish more for the open minded and understanding people I thought they were, rather than the people they really are. I wish that I didn't care about what they said about me, and that I didn't feel so alone because I lost a bunch of internet buddies. I'm so fucking angry at myself for letting these people in, it sickens me the impact some of them have had on me. He understands, he's forgiven me, why can't you people?..I keep telling myself over and over that the ones who truly matter, are the ones who understand - the ones who are still there. But lately, that number is decreasing by the second.

Shawn turned into a prick, a power hungry jerk who cared more about looking cool and humiliating me (the one he's said he'd take a bullet for) than continuing our friendship. Shawn.. knows me more than most, better than many. I told him everything, and he was my best friend for such a long time. I trusted him so much.. I wanted him to be there at my Wedding - fuck, he probably would've been the godfather to Jeremy and I's first born child. And now it makes my stomach lurch just to think about him. How quickly his loyalties were displaced, heh. Oh, I'm sure he'll still call Jeremy - or contact him at some point. But me? The one he'd professed love to more times than I can possibly count ..no, I don't matter enough. I would've chosen Shawn over everyone, save for Jeremy, if it came down to it. Despite the issues between the three of us and all the bullshit drama that's taken place, he was always the one who I could count on to be there when I needed him most. Out of nowhere it's so fucking easy for him to toss me aside as if I never meant a thing to him. It's disgusting.

Steven, I can say many bad things about. He lied to my husband in order to save his own ass, and caused a huge issue between the three of us, he took something I told him in confidence and ran his mouth knowing I wanted to be the one to break the news.. but all in all, Steven's been incredible when I needed the voice of reason and logic. Whenever I was down about something, he'd always be the one to give me the swift kick in the ass and make me realize that dwelling was doing no one a bit of good. One of my best friends for a long time now, one of the few real people I've ever met online. He's been great to both Jeremy and I, But he's been through enough of the internet shit, and he's moving on. He doesn't want to stay in contact with any of the people he knows from the internet, and while he's said he'll still call Jeremy and I, our conversations have been growing shorter since September. Even more so when Jeremy and I got together. I feel as if he's disconnected, especially lately. Our friendship seems to be falling apart, though it has no real reason for doing so.

You know, I was going to continue on with a paragraph about Jessica and how we don't talk as much either - but then it hit me. Minus Shawn and the others I mentioned in the first paragraph, my feelings of lonlieness are one hundred percent my own fault. I can't help it though - I seem to lose interest out of nowhere.. it's really strange. I don't talk to them as much because I grow bored. That's really a horrible thing to say, but I guess I've always known how hard it is for me to make friends I couldn't live without. I've always been so closed off that it takes one dedicated motherfucker to break through and keep me interested long enough to bother putting forth effort into a friendship. That goes for relationships as well, so I guess that's saying something about Jeremy. =P

Point of this was to vent about the "friends" I thought I had, who I realize were always just acquaintances  anyway, but I seem to have gotten off track a bit. That's fine, they don't really deserve much more thought. -shrugs.-

Jeremy proposed to me, in a nonchalant way. Says he sees no bad coming from marraige, and it'd help us save up for the big wedding we both want, later. Not to mention it'd help he and I be closer, since his rank doesn't allow him to move off base unless he's married. When he brought the idea to my attention, he was talking as if it were some sales pitch on how to increase the size of his checkbook, and it offended me. But I know he loves me, and he's the logical thinker in this relationship, while I am the blind romantic. He wants to ensure our financial future so that he and I will be able to do and see all of the things we've dreamed about, while he was away and we were unable to be together. Now we have that chance, or we will pretty soon, and .. I really do want this. But then this morning he sent me a text message saying "I may have to end this for a while." Completely shocked, all I could say was "Why?" He said something about how everyone was right and he was a depressed, alcoholic, fuckup. It hurt to read that, but I can't say that I disagree with it. I'm a bit confused as to why he needs to break up with me in order to fix his issues, but I think it has a lot to do with being afraid of me walking away if he was to push me too far. Not that I see that as an option unless I walk in on him fucking my best friend. Yeah - that's how bad it's gotten. I'd do anything for him and our future. He hasn't called me yet, so I'm not going to panic, but It's becoming more difficult to stay calm the longer we don't talk. I know he's busy at work, I just -need- to reassure myself that he's not going to leave me, I guess. I actually texted that to him later on, "Please tell me that was an awful dream and that you'd never leave me..?" He responded by saying "Leaving you?! No! That was never the intent." Made me feel a bit better but it's just.. you can't discuss marraige with me and then turn around and say you may need to end us for a while.. ugh. I understand completely why he may need time to focus on improving himself before he's able to worry about keeping up the relationship, especially with the pointless tiny arguments we've been having lately, but being seperated from him in any way just scares the living shit out of me. I feel like a piece of my soul was ripped off and sewn into his, it's physically painful when we're not talking, let alone not being in the same state..

Ugh.

Missing someone is such an indescribable and hollowing feeling.

I am so bloody confused all of the time.

I hate you, but I love you.
I want you, but I wish you'd fall off a cliff.
I need you, but you disgust me.

You love me, but you've destroyed me.
You want me, but you can't keep your hands off of other people.
You need me, but you push me away at every turn.

All I've been doing lately is waiting for him to call, reading fan fiction in hopes of drowning out my thoughts, and looking up lyrics to fit my mindset at the time. One minute I'm like "Hey, I need some quotes about being in love and being happy." Next minute, "I had a fucked up day, need some quotes about mind games."

I'm just as confusing as he is. Maybe that's why we're so fucking perfect for each other. We're just as bipolar as the other, maybe we balance each other out perfectly. It all sounds so wonderful in theory - but what's going to keep me from shooting him in the forehead? And how am I ever supposed to trust him again?

Believe me when I say that I have heard it all. I know what's the healthy decision would be, but it doesn't matter. It would take a hell of a lot more than rational thinking and logic, to tear me away from that man. I don't know when it happened, but he became a part of me, and as much as I've tried to push him away and pretend otherwise over the years, he and I are connected in what is seemingly, the worst and most unpleasant way. But he holds the key to everything I want and need out of life, so perhaps I'll get lucky and things'll work out?

He is offering to pay for me to fly to Kansas, where his permanent post is, and back, as well as a hotel room for the weekend. And he's also offering to Western Union the money to me, so that he wouldn't even have to know which Hotel I'd be staying at. He and I are going to have a hell of a time trusting one another again.

He is on his way to his permanent post as we speak, having just left his last layover. I'm excited for him, I think that life and his job is going to be a whole lot less stressful now that he'll be at his permanent post. No longer will he be the bitch, but a real U.S soldier. I am more proud of him than I could ever express, though he doesn't understand why. He seems to think that anyone could make it through Boot Camp and training to become a soldier, but that's not my reasoning. It has more to do with the fact that he got up and devoted himself to a purpose, deciding to do something with his life. I'm still living at home, and bitching about it. Yeah, I have an interview on Monday, but if I wouldn't have fucked up my eduation in High School, I'd be a lot further right now. -Shrugs.- Guess you have to work with what you have, though.

Steven's on, so I'm going to go make fun of him. ;x toodles.

-- Here are a bunch of sad/heartbroken/some-what depressing quotes. Let me know if you like 'em and I'll post more, under different categories if you want. =) Sorry in advance for repeats. None by me, unless clearly stated. --


If he's dumb enough to walk
// away \\
be smart enough to l.e.t. h.i.m. g.o.

I like {dead end signs}.
I think they're nice.
They at least have the decency to let you know that you're not going anywhere.

What you don't know is that after
everything that happened I still go to
bed with tears in my eyes.

Someday, we will be together again
and maybe, it will work that time.

It's too hard to let go and tonight made me
realize that I can't, not ever. I'll just have to wait.

I know I have made mistakes, disappointments
& failures. But I promise you there is a part of
me that is actually ( worth keeping )

I love you. Flat out I love you, & there is
nothing imaginable that you could do to change it.
So there, you're going to have to live with it.

Everyday I miss the you
that I used to know..before I let
you down.. before you let me go..

I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 a.m lips, and oh how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips.

I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me,
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, then sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem,
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands.
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine down your pants.
And I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me,
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely. ♥

And I can't see the point of patient love,
When everyone just wants to get fucked.

It's sad how when you do something wrong,
Everyone remembers.
But when you do something right,
Everyone forgets.

Why couldn’t the feeling be mutual?
Why was I just another fucking name to cross off on your list of girls to fuck?
Why is it that you’re such a hypocrite?
Why is it that I believed every fucking thing you said?
Why did you say you didn’t want to hurt me, and then went ahead and did it?
Why am I acting so damn fine about everything? ..

I know the answer to the last question....
as much as I want to punch you, and yell at you, and make you feel guilty..
All I’m thinking about is the next time "us" can happen.

So one last touch and well go,
and well pretend that it meant something so much more.
but it was vile it was cheap,
and you are beautiful,
but you don’t mean a thing.

Say that I'm young - that I'll get over it. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and lie to me. 'Oh, you'll be happy again, never fear.' But I won't forget. Every time I fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds me of him.


I remember every word you said, okay? I’m not that naive and I’m not that stupid. I’ve been broken before, I can deal. I’m not scared of moving on with my life. What I’m scared of is that I’ll realize somewhere along the road, that you are my life.

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can't because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

And this one's just funny to me. =P

When you breakup with your boyfriend...
your friends will always be the ones
saying "Oh its ok. You deserved better."
But your best friends will be the ones
calling him at 1 am saying "I HOPE YOU DIE, BITCH" <3



And here's a really long one that I wrote myself:

"Why is it that all the amazing people you meet in your life, can only stay a little while? Weeks, sometimes hours. And then they leave? Some you know you'll never meet again, because you don't have their phone number, their whole name, or even their state. You meet them by chance on a day and a half long train ride to a place where you're hoping to start a new life, a better life. And these people come into your life and they flip it upside down before you even have the chance to start fresh. And then they go along on their way, maybe never knowing the impact they had - you never knowing the effect you had on theirs, or if they even remember you a week later. You spend hours getting to know someone, falling in love with their personality, the story of their life.. and then you say goodbye.

And some, you feel they have to know the impact they've had on you. You spend so much time together, so many intimate nights getting to know each other. What makes one another tick, how they react when you touch them here, or there. Their sharp intake of breath when you move just the right amount, the way their lips curl when they smirk at you. The goofy little things that person does, in order to keep the moment from getting awkward. The way they wrap their arms around you, right before saying goodbye. How they make you feel that they can't get enough of you. And when their hands are on you, you feel as though you're on fire, and you can't do anything but enjoy it. You get to know this person on an entirely different level, you know their intimate and passionate sides. You listen to their heartbeat as you rest your head on their chest and lay still, exhausted and content. And all you can think of, is the fact that soon, very soon, you'll have to say goodbye to them - just as you always have to the ones who mean the most in your life. Never knowing if you'll see this person again, this one man who has had such an incredible effect on you, your heart, your entire life. Never knowing whether or not they'll ever truly understand what they mean to you. One person, in a world with over six billion, can easily steal your heart and take it with them when they leave you behind. And there's not a thing you can do about it, but hope and pray that they never forget you, and that when they come home, they look you up. "

I need love, you need love ..we all reallly need looove .. -cue techno music.-

Haha. I love Nsync sometimes.

So today pretty much BLEW. Yes, the caps were totally needed. Work wasn't too bad, I wasn't all that tired and a few of the customers had me smiling and laughing. I like the cheery Christmas people who compliment me on my Christmas bracelet and tell me to have a Merry Christmas. As opposed to the mean old men who throw coupons at me because I very politely explain that the HIGHLIGHTED date on the coupon is the expiration date, and yes, it's passed. -Grin.- Rude fuckers.

When I got home I ended up getting into a spat with Darrin, my idiotic step "father". I swear to you, the man is as hard-headed and stubborn as I am naturally blonde. Seriously. (Na na na na na... Na na na na.. I need loove!) Anyhow, the fight erupted because my little brother was trying to tell me how to wrap up the vacuum cord. I explained that HELLO! The little prongs on the side of the vacuum are there -specifically- to wrap the cord around. Well, Darrin then got involved stating that it's much easier to just wrap it around the handle. I commented about how extremely friggin' lazy that was, that people didn't even want to *god-fucking-forbid* bend over and unravel the cord. He starts screaming about me, bitching about being offended because he is NOT lazy. Yeah, when he said that I could almost feel the bold lettering, no joke. He got in my face and I just said it wasn't a big deal and turned the vacuum on before he could continue his bullshit *petty* rant. And I'm supposed to be the child, really? Well, then I headed downstairs and started picking up the basement area where I sleep, but decided I wanted to listen to some music while doing so. I went into my little brother's room to get my radio out that I let him borrow, and noticed that the cord for it was nowhere to be found. I went back upstairs, rather reluctant to deal with Darrin again, and asked Matthew where it was. He said that Darrin took it away, and after ten minutes of them fighting back and forth about why Matthew left the radio on when he wasn't even downstairs listening to it, Darrin finally went and got the fucking thing. Then he comes back into the Living room with this facial expression that just screamed ARGUMENT. I took the cord, trying to get out as soon as possible, but before I could he remarked "And just to let you know, when the DirectTv guy went downstairs to hook up the t.v, I was completely embarrased at how messy you left that room. I WANT IT CLEAN." And I just looked at him, paused, and said "THAT'S the reason for the RADIO, thanks." My mom's in the background yelling "I already took care of it" while he continues to bitch, and finally I just walk off, yelling "I'm sorry, I -have- a job, not always home, you know." behind me. I hope that pissed him off, unemployed, worthless, asshole. You know, I realize I sound rather immature right now but you really had to be there. Darrin is the kind of person who takes EVERYTHING said in disagreement, personally. If your opinion isn't exactly the same as his, he's going to get angry and debate you, which eventually turns into an argument, and if you keep going, he'll get in your face and scream at you - or ground you. Ya know, 'cause he's the "boss". -Smirk.- I hate those closeminded people who'd rather rip their left arm off, than admit that their opinion is just that - an opinion, and not the whole world is going to agree with it. I bet you could never guess that he's a fag hating homophobic republican, huh? Hah.

Anyhow, I went downstairs, cleaned, while trying to keep from crying (failed, but only let a few tears slide out), and then went back upstairs to see if my mom would put in the password for the computer down there. Yeah, my parents think we're fucking four year olds, so there's parental locks and passwords on everything in the house. Which doesn't stop me anyway because even though our "bedtime" is 1:00am on weekends (11:00pm on weekdays.. even though I don't actually attend school and AM eighteen fucking years old) I never turn my computer off, so I don't need them to put the password in it in order to get on. Yeah, I'm smart like that. Unfortunately my mom turned it off earlier in the day to "conserve" energy while I was at work, so it was off when I got home. Anyway, I asked her to put it in for me and she replied with "I don't have the password." I'm like - uh, can't you ask Darrin? He's sitting right there. Apparently he wasn't "talking" to her, and hearing that really fucking pissed me off. I threw my purse and screamed "Oh, that's great. Now I'm stuck without ANY fucking father." and very four year old-y stomped down the stairs, and cried for an hour. I was so fucking frustrated with everything that's going on and it's like JESUS CHRIST people, what the fuck do I have to do in order to be up to par in your eyes?! I'm not the way I used to be. I can't just take it in stride and move on while you're insulting me and breaking me. It effects me now, it impacts me greatly. It makes me cry every single time and I'm not like you. I don't go out of my way to hurt you as a way to show that I care. I'm fucking normal. I have feelings and you assholes could care less.

I'm done venting about this place, it's the same damn shit every single day. Careless cunts with no respect. It'll never change. I need to get passed it and just not let it hurt me. Convince myself that I hate them in order to survive living here. God, I wish I didn't live here.


Eventually I went upstairs and got online on the computer I'm on now, in the living room, then watched Degrassi (YAY) for a few hours, and jumped back online. My phone rang though, and it was Jeremy. The Army one. We'll call him Jeremy H to keep confusion to a minimum. We talked a while and I found myself growing very frustrated with him, very quickly. I made a semi joke about how he probably didn't want to hear me bitching, and he responded with sarcastic comments stating that he didn't give a shit about anything that was going on in my life. I yelled at him, about not knowing whether he was serious or not, and he replied with a simple "I can tell, given your attitude." We argued on and off a bit, me being really pissed off about him ignoring me to talk to his fucking buddies in the background (it's very irritating) and then we got into a conversation about he and I where I broke down a bit and told him I hated not knowing where we stand or whether or not I was bugging him calling him all the time. I explained that I am physically not capable of not calling him or texting him throughout the day. That I don't know how to go through issues without needing him to be there for me, the way he was before he left. I'm not used to it, and I need him.. and he either doesn't get it, or doesn't know how to be there for me anymore. And Yeah, after what happened, I don't exactly deserve him - and he certainly doesn't owe me a thing... I just want him so much to care, and to be there for me. He eventually said he needed to finish his cigarette and get into bed, since he knew it'd take him a while to actually get to sleep and he had to be up at seven in the morning. The conversation ended with him making me promise to eat and get enough sleep tonight, and I wished him the same. My voice cracked when we said goodbye, but I think it always does. He said he thought we really needed to finish the conversation tomorrow, so hopefully it'll be a little less tense than it was tonight.

Now I'm sitting here listening to Akon and wiping at tear stained cheeks. I feel very alone and abandoned by everyone who is supposed to care for me. I'm just .. incredibly lost and sad. I wish I knew how to not be this way. Oh, yeah. I quit smoking. Well, I stole a cigarette from my mother after the mentally exhausting argument, but I have no money 'n there's really no reason for me to keep smoking since I cannot afford it, so I'm done. However, once I have money to spare.. that may change. Pray for me - hah. I have absolutely NO will power.

I have the day off from work tomorrow, which I'm pretty excited about, but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. My father, yeah, the real one, called yesterday and wanted to make plans for my sister, brother, and I to hang out with him at his house. Hah. It's been months since I've HEARD from him. It's been even longer since I've seen him. He never cares to visit or call unless it's convenient for him. The last time we spent time together he was lecturing about how I was throwing my life away and becoming nothing. He's been a neglectful, selfish, son of a bitch since day one - but guess what? I'm going to go. God.. I wish I knew where to start with the story of my prick of a sperm donor. I wish I hated him, but I can't.. and I want to so much that it's physically painful. He has said and done so many fucked up things.. left me and my mother when I needed him most, sacraficed us for himself and his drugs and drinking. Abused my mother, then married into some other family and ..was their father. Cared, loved, was THERE for them. Was closer to my stepsister than he's ever been to me. Then when I moved to another state in order to live with his family and get to spend time with him, he was an asshole. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive, and ..well, he made me hate him, and myself. I had the best summer there, made some good friends, wonderful memories, but I left with a deep hatred for him and everything he stood for. I returned the next summer, only to be surprised one morning when my Stepmother had decided to leave him after all of his abusive bullshit and spending all of their money on weed and bongs, and I was forced to go along with. I spent three weeks hiding out in a secret location, going to a new school, trying to adjust to life while my world was ripped away from me all because my Dad was too much of a jerk to see that his wife was incredibly unhappy and -needed- an out. He ruined my life that summer, he took everything away that ever made me happy. I didn't need drugs, or alcohol, or cutting. I was HAPPY. But that didn't matter, because three weeks into living in that place, hearing about my father drinking himself nearly to death, then driving home to Michigan in a state of complete mental insanity.. and how my stepmother had gotten a restraining order for all of us, including me, against my own fucking father.. christ. I came home. And when I saw him, the first thing he mentioned was my stepmother giving me the wedding ring he'd given to her. I was scared to death, shaking with terror, and quietly asked him if he wanted it back. He said no..and then something incredible happened.

He was my father, my dad, my friend. He was there for me, he cared for me, and he saw us every single weekend. Made unexpected visits to us during the week, even took us to school or picked us up a lot of the time. Took us out for pizza, up north for holidays, made sure that we all spent enough time with our grandmother and grandfather, aunts, cousins. Rode four wheelers with us, paid for part of my Buffy convention .. he was everything to me. We all had him on this insanely tall pedestal and we were all SO in love with the idea of having our daddy back. Then he started a new job, fell "in love" with a married woman.. and slowly, I realized. He wasn't back, he'd never been back. He was simply relying on his children to keep him from going into a total depression. We were there to keep him from breaking down, while he stood strong and tall, sober and clean for over a year. A YEAR. Not even a fucking sip of beer, and then he just.. let it all fall apart again. He LET his world come crashing down around him, he didn't try to stop it. He didn't care. He's at the bar everynight, fucking different women every night, having an affair with a married woman and letting her get fired from work for it ..god. He didn't call for MONTHS and the one time he finally decided to, was after a screaming match between us over the phone. Never in all of my life have I ever wanted to hate my dad, until that night. He was a rude and inconsiderate jerk to me over the phone, and had me in tears from the very beginning. And all I wanted was to see my daddy. I was leaving the state for christ's sake, not having a clue as to when I'd be back. Things were really shaky at home, Jeremy had just left for the Army.. I needed him. I always fucking get let down by him. He drove over here to pick the kids up and saw me sitting on the porch. I told him I wasn't going, and he looked at me with a sad expression on his face that easily won me over. I got in the car and we drove to Walmart to get a video game for him. He said he wanted something legal and healthy to focus his attention and free time on, hah - that lasted long, huh? In the parking lot of Walmart we SCREAMED at eachother. He told me I was throwing my life away, sitting around and doing nothing productive, and I told him he was neglecting the people who loved him so he could go out and drink everynight. I threw everything in his face and told him how much I resented him. He only yelled louder, and said more hurtful things. I started to cry, and we came to some sort of "agreement" though it felt like I really just gave up because I was in too much pain to keep going. We walked around Walmart, while I feened for a fucking cigarette, then went to Burger King to eat. He said he'd come to visit before I left, and he never showed up. I wanted to hate him then too, but it never came.

I asked my mother every day I was there, if he'd come to see the kids, or even called. She always answered the same way, and I always felt my heart breaking a little bit more each time, for my sister and brother. My dad was the world and more to my sister, she spent every moment she could with him, even if he was just going for a random car ride. He made her mixed CD's and they made promises to eachother.. she had the type of relationship I'd always DREAMED of having with him. But I was too old and it was too late for us to bond the way he and my stepsister had been able to. Eventually she got the hint, and started to turn her back the way I had. She knew not to expect anything, she understood that "I promise" meant nothing when coming from him, and that he was too stubborn to try to realize that we needed him. His women and his booze were too important. And when I finally broke the news that he'd been getting high and drinking again, her heart was broken. Of course being a fourteen year old and living in this house, she never showed it. She was strong, and she truly had herself convinced that she didn't need him. Hell, I did too. My little brother though.. god. He needs him more than any of us. He's the one who spends half an hour calling his phone OVER AND OVER just praying that he'll answer, and jumping at ANY chance to spend even a tiny amount of time with him. I watch him ...and it fucking tears me apart. I jumped all over him the other night stating that our father was a low life who didn't give a shit about any of us.. and both my mother and sister freaked out on me for it. I understand that he needs to learn on his own but nobody deserves to endure what Tiffany and I did. He doesn't need to go through that.. god, I wish there was some way for me to stop it from happening.

Anyway, though. To make an extremely long story short - my Mom talked to my Dad for over an hour and when she got off the phone, she sincerely said that she thought we should spend time with him. From the tone in her voice, I could tell that something was really wrong. She sighed and said "He hit rock bottom, and he needs you guys." I laughed, and I spit out more awful things about him, but for some reason I'm still going. I don't fucking know what to expect, but if he thinks he's going to cry on my shoulder and get an ounce of sympathy from me, he's going to be very sadly mistaken. I don't have enough time or energy left in me to let him effect me that way anymore. Every single time I let him in, he turns his back on me and my siblings. He's showed that he doesn't give a damn anymore, and it hurts too much for me to give a shit either. I just.. can't have another man shattering my world into a thousand pieces. Pretty soon I won't have enough pieces left to glue back together.


NOW. I'm listening to "Da' Dip!" and swivel-dancing around in my chair. Don't stop 'til you get enough! No, for my mood shall not be ruined.

Fuck, too late. =/

12:37 am - Man.
I'm really not sure if this makes any sense, but I was sitting here singing along to "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" by Britney Spears, looking at my calendar, and I realized something. The fire has gone out of me. When November hits, I normally start counting down to Christmas. I'm usually making up Christmas lists by October, and I usually always jump at the chance to get all freaky Christmas looking. I didn't have the money but I didn't even try. I could've used old Halloween face paint, used an eyeshadow pencil to draw on my face, put tinsel or garland in my hair, and bam! But no, I just shrugged and forgot about it. And I've been thinking about Christmas, but it's -counts- only sixteen days away and I didn't know that. I didn't care to count, or ..really get excited at all. I'm not cheery christmas girl and that saddens me. I mean, I still love Christmas, but I just.. It's like I'm an empty shell of my normal self. I'm not sure why, or what caused this, and these are only a few examples of what I mean.. but I just feel blah all the time. I'm always tired, I'm always tempted to just curl up in bed and hide under my covers for the rest of ..forever. It's a sad way to live, but that's my life. I think I forgot that while I'm usually SUPER cheery around Christmas, I have a tendency to get really depressed as well, I think it's a balance thing. -Shrug.- this kind of sucks.


p.s - I just saw a new picture of Jenn.. and she looks like she got fat. That brightened up my day. Hahaha.

..teehee.

I really don't feel like writing, but it's been a while since I've updated, so I need to. All I seem to do is work and sleep. Never any time for anything else.

Jeremy, the ..first ex, and I have been talking nearly everday since Thanksgiving. He's having a lot of difficulty getting over the things I did while he was gone, but in general having him back has been a really huge comfort. He's the one person in my entire life who knows everything there is to know about me, and loved and cared for me inspite of that. I feel like I have my best friend back, even though it's rocky sometimes, I know if he and I try, we'll make it through it just fine. Granted it'll definitely take some time and a lot of patience on both our parts. But I have no reason to throw in the towel, I don't think either of us are going anywhere.

Because there hasn't been much food in my house, I'm broke, and stress from life has caused me to lose my appetite so many times, I nearly fainted today from lack of food. I was driving home from work with my mother and I just got really hot, and disoriented. I felt woozy and had to put forth energy just to keep my eyes from closing. I took a lot of deep breaths and when I got home, forced myself to eat some toast and oatmeal. It wasn't the most satisfying meal, but at least now I can sit up without feeling as though I might keel over. Not healthy, I know.. I just haven't felt like eating lately. Not as though I couldn't stand to lose a few pounds. =P Don't worry, I'm not dedicated enough to become anorexic.

I got into a really heated argument with Jenn via myspace messages yesterday. She was being a bitch and expected me to just agree with everything she said. Well, that's stupid, considering everything she said was completely wrong. To make a long story short, I simply repeated something I told her a long time ago; that it would be quite a bit of time before I could start paying her back. I owe the bank, Anna, my mother, and I really need to get the ball rolling on the becoming an adult thing, getting a car, a license, moving out, and starting college. She was less than thrilled to hear that her and her petty laptop (which worked when I left anyway) were not at the top of my priority list. I simply explained that she had a (idiot) willing husband to buy her everything she wants and needs, and that we're not all as blessed as she - some of us have to attend college and find a good paying career for any hope of a successful and happy life. The argument ended with her telling me that she was burning the belongings I'd left at her house, and me telling her she wouldn't see a dime of the money I "owed" her. She blocked me, and I told her that our friendship was finished.

I got most of my Christmas shopping done, but I still need to get a few items in order to do the baking I had in mind for the goody tins/baskets. I need to get some brownie/cookie mix and try to coax my grandmother into giving me some good recipes and tips. I'm not exactly a baker and I don't have a clue where to start. I got Jessica a bunch of small things from Hot-Topic, Crystal the same, but bought a few other things for her from other stores, Jeremy got a shirt that says "I'm just not that into you ..when I'm sober." and a Jack Daniels flask, and my mother and Stepfather (hopefully) are going to receive a gift card to Outback Steak House and an offer for me to babysit for a night while the two of them spend some much needed time alone. I wanted to buy for everyone but between my debts and my phone bill, that just wasn't possible. I think with my next check I may get a few more things for each of them, as well as the baked goods, and have Jessica & Jeremy's presents sent out by the 17th, at the latest (I hope). Crystal's right here in Michigan so no need to worry about when her gift will get to her. =P

Speaking of Crystal, she and I decided to get matching tattoos after Christmas. We wanted something cute that symbolized a long lasting friendship, but thought that the Chinese symbols were just too cliche for our tastes. Besides, everyone's doing them. So we thought up this really cute idea for puzzle pieces, that interlock when placed next to eachother. They'll be pink with black, cursive writing and one will say "Friends" while the other will read "Forever." It may seem corny, but she and I have been through a crapload of fights and drama and the fact that we're even friends, let alone super close best friends after all of that, says a lot. Besides, I wouldn't know what else to get, and the idea of getting a tattoo is very appealing to me.

There's really nothing else going on. Not that I feel like writing about, anyway. Going to smoke a cigarette and read for a few while I wait for One Tree Hill to come on. <3 toodles.

Today has been very interesting. A lot of emotion, arguing, and confusion. Definitely mentally draining. Going to try to make this quick though, because I'm supposed to call the old Jeremy back around 10:45, after he finishes up formation. Yep.. Where the hell do I start? lol.

Well, this morning I woke up to a bunch of angry text messages from him, about the things I'd done in my past with other guys, while he was gone. Not going into detail because frankly, reliving it will do nothing but piss me off. There was one particular incident that I didn't tell him about, though I obviously should have, and I just knew when I lied to Steven about telling him, that it'd bite me in the ass. We talked about it a little bit, and then he hung up on me. I texted him, and he called me back later when I was in the car with my mom and sister, on the way to drop her and her friend off at the mall, and then take me to work (an hour early, 'cause she had a birthday party to go to for my cousin). I told him I'd call him back after yelling at him for hanging up on me, then proceeded to do so after arriving at work. We talked a lot about the situation, he was very mean, and I cried a bit while on the phone. Eventually I just said fuck it, walked out of work, and up the street. I knew at that point that I wasn't in any condition to work and was just going to let it be a no call no show. I figure I'll tell Debbie tomorrow that I was confused because my schedule said 5pm-11pm on both Saturday and Sunday, and I must've mixed them together and overlooked it. I should be fine, since the rules state that you get up to six points, in six months, before being terminated. Absences count as one point, and tardies count as half of one. I'm really just hoping that nobody saw me, or will mention seeing me to any of the managers. Fuck it, I'll tell them I looked at the schedule and thought I didn't have to work. I honestly don't care, I just couldn't do it today. I knew I'd be emotional and crying and I felt horrible, physically. I told my mom that I had gotten my schedule wrong, and waited outside in the freezing cold for two hours to pick me up. Karma for skipping out on work, I guess. -Shrug.-

Jeremy and I texted back and forth all night, talked a while on the phone, and then the conversation took a dramatic turn when I spoke to him after getting home. He'd told me earlier that Jessica had asked him a question that really threw him for a loop, but made it that much worse when he answered immediately. I had an idea of what the question was, but Jeremy's so damned unpredictable so I never assume much with him. Randomly though, later on, he said "Do you wanna know?" I asked what, obviously confused, and he said "Do you want to know what the question was." I said yes, and he told me it was whether or not he still loved me. I asked him what he answered with, and he said "Yes, of course." I started crying all over again, and from there it got even more strange. Throughout the rest of the conversation, he called me baby quite a few times, sweetheart a couple, and randomly burst out with "I love you" out of nowhere. I sat there stunned, crying for about five minutes, and then told him I loved him too. He cut me off though, and said "Please don't say it." So, I didn't, and cried some more instead. I asked him why he told me that, and he said that he needed me to know. I left it at that, and let myself be happy for a few minutes. He told me he was scared, that he'd never been so numb in all of his life after finding out about me and Jeremiah, and me and Alex, and that he didn't want to feel that way ever again. He told me he'd learned very quickly that he wasn't going to be happy with anyone else, that I was it. I did this long drawn out explaination, and told him I felt the same way. That the recent Jeremy was an amazingly sweet guy, and did all the right things, but when it came down to it.. he just didn't compare. So how could I ever feel that way about anyone else, when I couldn't feel an ounce of emotion for someone who did -everything- right? He kept trying to calm me down, saying sweet things, telling me not to cry. I was an absolute wreck. God, I still am. My eyes still burn from crying, and my stomach still hurts from doing flip-flops. I feel like my heart is in my throat right now. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I want nothing more than for him to take me back and start all over again. I know what I said before, but talking to him for the past few days has made it very clear that I am still very much in love with him, and really, really want to start over. He told me he couldn't trust me and I admitted that a small part of me couldn't trust him either. I was paranoid, no longer naive after the last few guys used and broke me, and that I was afraid he was saying all of this just to toy with me so that he could laugh that much harder at me later. He laughed and said that he'd thought about it. I smiled, because I knew he would've. That's my Jeremy, afterall. =) Sadistic and vicious all the way.

Hah, I just stumbled upon a song I haven't heard in the LONGEST time. "What I Really Meant to Say" by Cyndi Thomson. ... "And what I really meant to say.. is I'm dying here inside. And I miss you more each day, there's not a night I haven't cried. And baby here's the truth.. I'm still in love with you. And what I really meant to say, is I'm really not that strong. No matter how I've tried.. I'm still holding onn.. and here's the honest truth.. I'm still in love with you, yeah.. that's what I really meant to say."
-Smiles.- I listened to this a lot during my relationship with Jeremy in the beginning. One of MANY emo songs I used to own.

So basically, I can see us getting back together. I want us to get back together, but I am ..so goddamned terrified. He effects me the way nobody else EVER has and I'm really afraid that he's going to break my heart for breaking his. I know he doesn't trust me, and that really hurts.. but there's nothing more I can do but show him that he has no reason not to. I love that man with every fiber of my being, and I really feel like everything that has happened lately, is a sign. The holiday season is a time I will always feel is "ours".. just because of the strong memories I have with him from last year. Memories that are imprinted in my brain and will never, ever, go away. I think that him contacting me on Thanksgiving, of all days, is a really strong sign. Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be? Maybe he and I are supposed to be together. I have to tell you, I have been content since losing him, but I have not been happy. Not the way I was with him. I know, I preached it before. You don't need a man to complete you. But this one seems to love me inspite of my flaws and misses me even when I've cut him to the very bone. And god knows I would do anything for him. It's time to see whether or not we're truly soulmates the way I thought for so long. I just hope that he's ready to do this with me. Maybe not tonight, but sometime in the future. He's been my everything for so long and everything truly is that much better when he's around. -Laughs.- I sound like a Britney Spears fan. (currently listening to "Not a girl, not yet a woman" ..how cool am I?)

Going to end this, change my layout for myspace, and then grab the phone and call him back. =)

Today started out kind of crappy. I woke up sick, of course, and felt like I was dying. I talked to Jeremy and it sounded like he wasn't going to come over again, so I was pissy about that. But I had my phone turned back on last night and I had the day off today, so it wasn't too bad.

Then later on in the day I'm sitting upstairs with my mom and sister, smoking, and talking about Christmas, when my phone rings. It was Jeremy and he was calling to tell me that he was about two miles from my house. I threatened to kill him because it was completely unexpected, I hadn't yet showered, and I was still in my work clothes from the day before. But I was excited to get to see him, so I ran to take a quick shower, and immediately upon seeing him, my mood shifted into YAY. >.>

I hugged him not caring that my parents were around, and then went to sit down on the couch. He said he wanted to go down stairs and I protested because I feel less clogged up when I'm upstairs. He was persistent, though, and finally I caved and went down there with him. When I got down stairs, I saw a piece of long green tissue paper and realized that he'd brought me flowers. I wanted to cry, but I had an idea he was going to do this, as he'd been talking to Jason about getting me flowers for Thanksgiving, which he later told me he might still do. Hehe. Anyway, the card said "Thinking of you, love you, J." and I gave him a kiss, thanked him, and clung to him while sort of swaying back and forth and trying not to start crying. Eek! It was such a pretty rose, too.


Anyway. After he gave me the flower, I went upstairs to clean and sit for a while with him. My mom said that my grandma and aunt were supposed to come over, and I was going to wait for them, but after a little while I decided I wanted to spend some time alone with him since we wouldn't get much chance to at Thanksgiving tomorrow. We watched "You Got Served" and held eachother until four when he had to go. He was so amazing today, I really apprecite how sweet he was to me while I was sick. I kept sitting up to wipe at my nose, or cough (so I wouldn't do it in his face) and he'd rub my back and shoulders while I coughed, and then cover me up and snuggle with me after I was done. I swear I felt like I was dying, but I was SO happy at the same time. =) It was really nice. I really can't wait 'til I get to see him again tomorrow and actually spend a good amount of time with him, even if my whole family will be there too. Yay! I'm so lucky. <3


Erg. Cassie annoyed the hell out of me when she sent me a message via myspace saying, "Just wanted to let you know that your man looks like he has down syndrome." I got really irritated, but responded back with, "At least mine's not a jackass." When what I really wanted to say was "At least mine didn't impregnate me twice, hit me, embarras me in front of my friends, and get mad at me when I refuse to give him head. Yeah, you're really in the position to make judgements, good job!" And jesus christ, he's the only person who has ever made me feel good about myself TWENTY FOUR SEVEN. Every other guy I've been with has been shallow and made me feel fat and ugly, or was too wrapped up in his own thing to care anyway. Jeremy tells me I'm pretty, brings me flowers when I'm sick, rubs my back while I cough up a lung, and lets me cling to him and kiss him even though he knows I'm going to get him sick. He didn't abandon me the way Chris did her, emotionally or financially. And you're a fucking idiot for going back to an abusive, tempermental, jerk. Besides, I've never cared an ounce for physical appearance, and I never will. It doesn't matter what the other person looks like when they make you feel like you're a queen. So stfu. =/ I hate my friends sometimes.




Anyway. I just took Nyquil so It's time for me to get comfy in bed before I pass out here at the computer. I work tomorrow from 11-4pm and then I get to spend the rest of the day with my boyfriend, and my family. =) Yay.

p.s - these are great. &&
Dane Cook owns my heart.

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper,
and I get how Rock can beat Scissors,
but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock.
Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile?
Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?
Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper
constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?
I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody,
a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock.
Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper
I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say
"oh shit I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, asshole."
- dane cook .

Someone asked me to explain why I love him so much. But before I could even respond, my best friend put her hand over my mouth and said "Don't even get her started." < hehe.

I’m talking with Crystal right now and I’m super excited. I just figured out Jeremy’s entire Christmas and Birthday present, since his birthday is five days after Christmas. Well, I don’t have the entire thing planned but still, I’ve got most of it. Yay for me!

For Christmas I’m going to get him a really nice gold watch, and get an inscription on the inside. Something short and sweet so that he’ll think of me every time he checks the time. Maybe, “With love, A.” or something of that nature, or with the date we started dating or something. Not sure yet, but either way, I know he wants a watch, and his class ring is gold so I figured that way he’d match. Then I was thinking some nice cologne, guys like that kind of stuff, right?

Well, for his Birthday I want to bake him a bunch of stuff. I was thinking of a cake, obviously, and some type of assortment of cupcakes, cookies, and brownies, that I can decorate myself and make it a real from the heart kind of gift. Plus, we could take some over to his families houses and they’d be able to see how much I care for him. =). And I was thinking maybe a cookie tin or a basket that I could wrap up in clear plastic… stuff, and make it look all professional like? I do kind of want to get him an actual gift for his birthday too though, so I’m not sure yet. Any ideas?

I think with the baking idea, I’ll use Thanksgiving as an excuse to find out what kind of desserts and things he likes. Like, “Hey hunny, do you like such and such, because we might be having it at Thanksgiving.” hehe. I’m evil, but brilliant!

Anyhow, just wanted to jot that down so I wouldn’t forget it. (Doubtful that I would, though.) And now I’m going to head to bed since I’ve got to be up in order to get ready fork work in about nine hours. Goodnight, world. =)

I am really fucking annoyed right now, and I don't care that it's a bit childish and immature to be so angry. I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't seem to care a whole lot and I'm the one who misses out because he's a fucking mama's boy and refuses to talk back to his parents.

You're almost 20 years old, I understand that you're living in their house but you're an ADULT and have been for two years, by law. Stand up for yourself and be a man for christ's sake.

He says he can't come over because his dad said so. I'm pissed off. I haven't seen him in three days and I miss him. I don't want to wait 'til Thursday to see him. If he wanted to see me he should've fought for it. Instead he just sits back and lets his parents treat him like a fourteen year old kid. His parents say there's no reason for him to come over this late because I work days. Uh, since when have they memorized my schedule? I work all shifts. Hell, I work 5pm-11pm later this week. And I'm not working tomorrow so what difference does it make anyway? They just don't want their precious only child out past his fricking bedtime. ERG.

I miss my goddamned boyfriend. This is so ridiculous.

Work actually wasn't too bad today. It went by relatively quickly, even though this was the longest shift I've worked so far. I took a half hour lunch though, so that could be why. Didn't have too many rude customers, and I even got to train a new girl. I've been there for two weeks and I'm already a trainer. Yay me! But yeah, she seems really sweet 'n I felt so bad for her because some rude ass old man went off on her for something that wasn't her fault at all. It states clearly in the guidelines for Kmart that you can't use your Employee Discount with a Credit Card but some people are fucking morons.

After lunch (when I went outside with wet hair and no coat to smoke) I started to feel like shit. My throat got really dry and I kept having to run over to the KCafe to get a drink of water, I could barely talk - and when I did, it was painful. I'm thinking my sister gave me her cold (she's been talking like a man for days) but that coupled with my going outside with wet hair, and smoking more often than before because I bought short cigarettes.. is definitely taking a toll on me. I got home and realized I had a stuffy nose as well, and now I just feel crappy all over. It makes me mad 'cause I was just thinking of how cute it'd be if I were sick and Jeremy came over to comfort me and make me feel better. Now he has the chance, but I won't see him 'til tomorrow after work. -Sigh.-

God, I'm the biggest baby when I'm sick. lol. He just signed on and I'm like "Hunny, I'm sick and I miss you!" Waah. lol. It's kind of funny how childish and clingy I get when I don't feel well. And now he's telling me that he doesn't know about Tuesday either. Maybe I'm too attached, but this really sucks. I feel awful and all I want to do is snuggle up with my boyfriend. But I can't because his stupid friend is back from the stupid air force and wants to hang out and spend stupid time with him. Ugh. I should've went after a guy who had no friends or family, lol. I'm such a baby. Blah. I'm trying not to be a bitch to him but it sucks that his parents are always getting in the way of us hanging out (even though he's almost twenty years old) and now his friend is. Well.. I can understand his friend getting in the way, he's in the airfoce and Jeremy never sees him.. but damnit, I don't wanna wait 'til Thursday. =( I know he feels bad though, he's telling me how much he wants to hang out with me too. Aw, he's suggesting we both hang out with him. But.. I don't wanna get in the way. He's gonna talk to his friend. ..Aw. I have the best boyfriend ever. ^_^

Anyway, I'm gonna stop bitching and then ..not bitching, and end this for now so I can get me some grub. Wee.

'Til later. <3 tata.

"I might not be your first, your last, or your only. You've cared about someone else before and possibly will again- but if you care for me now; then what else matters? You're not perfect and I'm not either, and the two of us will never be perfect. But if you can make me laugh, I'll hold onto you and give you the most I can. You're probably not going to quote poetry. You might not be thinking about me every second of the day. But you will give me a part of you that you know I could break. So I will not hurt you, won't change you and I don't expect more than you can give. I won't over analyze, I'll smile when you make me happy, I'll yell when you make me mad, and I'll miss you whenever you're not here and I'm not there."

ps - I DO NOT want to go to work today.

..Damnit.

I had the most awesome day today. Seriously, I've been in the best mood.

I didn't have to work today, so that alone was a blessing - but then later on Crystal spontaneously springs the idea of hanging out, on me. Says that Mat was getting off early and to find out what time Jeremy would be coming over. We did all that, she spoke to Mat, and they showed up a little bit after four oclock. Jeremy ended up being late due to one of his teachers not showing up when he was led to believe he'd be taking finals, but I wasn't mad for very long, and he made it up to me. =).

Before he got there, the three of us were just being random while I tried getting my stupid DVD player to work, and Crystal filled out a "Top 8" survey for Myspace. When he walked down the stairs, I got all giddy and full of butterflies. It was extremely cute. Then instead of watching a movie, we all decided to just talk and listen to music (my mixed CD was awesome, I don't care what you say!) because my DVD player's an asshole. We goofed around a lot, made a lot of random, funny jokes, and sat there while being -very- entertained by my little brother - who I swear to you will be kissing boys by the time he hits high school.

We're all sitting there talking when Jeremy tells me to go into his coat pocket. My first reaction was to tell him to get up and get whatever he needed, himself, and that I wasn't his damned maid - but I figured there was a reason he was telling me to do it, so I got up and did it, while ignoring Mat's comment which I believe was along the same lines as what I wanted to say. lol. I reach into the pocket and I feel a small box. I pulled it out, gave him a questioning look, and then smiled when I realized that it was a box that jewelry came in. I opened it up and it was a cute golden necklace with a heart charm, that has a flower on the corner, with my birthstone in it. And matching earrings. I didn't know what to say, at all, and I almost started crying. So I just set it down, kissed him, gave him a hug, and thanked him for it. He's such a sweet guy. I never thought materialistic items would get such a response out of me, but I think it was the giddieness mixed with extreme happiness ..and complete shock at the unpredictable, but very sweet gesture.

After that, we just sat holding hands, cuddled up on the couch while talking with Crystal and Mat, and laughing and making fun of my brother. Haha - inside jokes. We're sitting there talking about losing virginity, and I think it was me who used the slang phrase "popping a cherry" when Matthew pipes in, "You put a cherry in there?!" It was incredibly funny, and I think all four of us laughed 'til we nearly cried. Then he comes out of his room wearing his wrestling outfit which consists of a dark green one piece, made of stretchy material. It was something you'd see from a Richard Simmon's workout video, or something. Very homoerotic, and funny. Crystal's facial expression when he came out of his room in that, dancing like a retard, was priceless. I wish I would've gotten a picture.

Anyhow, they left around 7:30pm and then Jeremy and I attempted watching a movie, again. The Butterfly Effect 2 actually worked, but half way through the movie it cut out and I didn't care enough to mess with it, so I turned on Bones - since I knew he liked that show. <3. Then he and I sat watching that for a while, snuggled up, kissing, and doing.. other things.

Yeah. I wrote this in my other, more public journal, but I left out the details. So if extreme bluntness about sexual activities bothers you - go away now. =)

I know that he and I haven't been dating but a day, although we have been talking for months now - we still didn't meet 'til a little over a week ago.. but it just felt right. Obviously I didn't jump the gun and have sex with him immediately, but other things, other very good things, did occur. We'd be kissing for a long period of time, and slowly his hand would creep up and tease my breasts, focusing in on the nipples. It ended up exciting me a lot, so when he asked if that was okay, and if he could go lower, I just sort of nodded. At first he'd rub through the pants, though with the kind of material they're made out of, it didn't really make much of a difference. But he'd start to rub, then stop, then start again, then stop. Finally one of the times when his hand was underneath my pants, I kissed him hard and told him not to stop. He didn't, and I came. He looked at me in shock and I sort of explained what happened and that It surprised me. From all of my past experienes (which isn't a lot, despite popular belief.. my total number of male oriented sexual encounters is five, with only three seperate partners. One of which, I did not have sex with. And this covers everything from oral, to hands, to groping of any kind) I'd always thought I was difficult to please. None of the guys I've been with has ever made me orgasm during anything they were doing ..though I'm not sure a lot of them were trying to anyway. The point is, he's the first male to make me orgasm, and my god - it was good. It's going to be a lot more difficult to keep from jumping him, now. But I don't want this to be like Jeremiah or something - though I'm already very convinced that he isn't using me -at all.-

That's another thing, too. And it sounds insane and like we're moving way too quickly, but one of the times we were kissing, he pulled away from me, looked into my eyes, and whispered "I love you." Yeah, we've been "official" for two days, but I've been talking to him and confiding in him since long before I moved to Texas. And he's.. god, he's such an amazing person. He gets along well with all of my family, and even has fun joking and playing around with them. He's always touching, or holding, or kissing me. He -wants- to come over and meet the rest of my family, he likes hanging out with my friends, and he's not smothering, in the least. So when he told me he loved me, I responded by saying it back, without even thinking. I do love him, yes, as a person in general, but obviously I haven't fallen completely in love with him yet. I am very excited though, because I think it'll come very easily if things continue to be this good between us. -Sigh.- I really can't even explain how well we mesh, and how good it feels just being around him. <3.

Anyhow, after he caused me to orgasm, I ..kind of wanted to return the favor but was a bit shy about doing so. I had my hand on his inner thigh, rubbing and teasing until he finally couldn't stand it anymore and moved my hand directly above his - and for lack of a better word (cock and dick are too porn-esque, and penis just creeps me out) area. At first I thought he was telling me to move my hand, and was quite disappointed - lol. But then I started, erm, rubbing there, and eventually things got heated enough where I unzipped his pants and ventured inside. I never made actual contact however, because I wasn't really sure how to go about getting around his boxers. I don't think it had a hole like most.. hrm. Eventually he heard someone coming though, and moved my hand away, zipping up. I was afraid he didn't like what I was doing, and since I've only given a handjob once, I was scared to death that he was bored with me, and it. I asked him about it later and he responded with "I don't know why I didn't finish. I was definitely enjoying myself." So, I feel a bit better, definitely less insecure.)

Then he decided he needed to get home. It's always so sad watching him leave. =/ I walked him outside again, gave him another kiss 'n hug, and then went back downstairs to IM Crystal and gush with her about all the girly details of the night. It was fun, I absolutely loved hanging out with them tonight - not one bad detail throughout the whole day. =) I definitely can't wait to do it again, especially the part where I get to spend time with Jeremy. He's such a great guy, he always makes me feel so good whenever he's around. -Sigh.- I better go, though, I need to be up for work early tomorrow. 'Night, world.



p.s - My Myspace has been revamped and looks sa-weet. Go look. www.myspace.com/heartsbreakingeven.

I need to update this quickly. I'm exhausted from my extremely long day, but too excited not to make an entry.I had a really good day today, and It's left me in a very, very good mood. Despite the headache that's causing me to go insane. Work sort of sucked, too. It was extremely busy, I was incredibly exhausted from lack of sleep last night, and in the most crabby mood. I was ready to get out of there the moment after I clocked in. But then around 1:30, I looked up and saw Jeremy standing behind a shelf, pretending to look interested in the items there, and smiling at me. I blushed, turned away, and continued trying to focus on my job. He stood around waiting until 2:30 rolled around, I told him he could follow my mom and I, and hang out with me at the house. I introduced him to my mother, and then we were off.

First, he shook hands with Darrin, pet my dogs for a while, and then we sat in the Kitchen messing with Matthew and Tiffany. They seemed to like him well enough, and I was comfortable sitting there with him in front of people, and talking. He shared quite a few stories, we talked for a long time, and then we made our way into the Living Room to investigate the new 52 inch t.v Darrin had just bought, and was obsessing over. We watched him play a bit of Football on the X-box 360, and then when he was finished, we all sat around talking and telling stories. My parents asking Jeremy about his life, and me sitting there watching, not talking much out of shyness. (Though it had decreased a lot at that point.)

My mom brought up Chinese food, and somehow Jeremy and I ended up going to get it - as well as Mcdonalds for the kids. My mom and I both tried to get Jeremy to let us buy him dinner, but he wouldn't have it. (Which sort of frustrated me, lol.) He held my hand throughout the car ride, and at one point wrapped his arm around me, looked at me, and said "I'm really glad we got to hang out." I smiled, told him I felt the same way, and ducked my head. After this, we came home, ate, and watched some t.v with the family.

Around 9oclock he decided it was time to go, as his mother was paranoid enough, having not met me - and knowing nothing about me or my parents. I walked him out to the porch, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him kissing me. I wasn't too far off - because as soon as we were out there, he wrapped his arms around me and made the move. He's definitely not a bad kisser at all, and though I didn't see fireworks, I enjoyed it a lot. Especially when he pulled away from me (very reluctantly) and stared into my eyes, telling me he'd miss me. I asked him if he'd come back to visit me again, and he responded with "Most definitely." which also seemed to make my heart skip a beat.

I know that in the previous entry, I was very skeptical about him and whether or not I was wasting my time pursuing something with him.. but I had a lot of fun today. Watching him interact and get along so well with all of my family, really made me happy. I'd never brought a guy home before, except for Brett who so does not count, and I was very surprised at how well the whole thing went. Darrin even commented after he left, saying that he seemed like a very polite young man. This made me giggle. So yes, I'm not completely convinced that he is my soulmate, but we seem to enjoy eachother's company, and I know I liked the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, or his fingers laced with mine - so there's got to be something, right?

I thought about this a lot when he left, and I realized that I want to give him and us a shot. I accepted his offer of the official title of "boyfriend and girlfriend", and decided to put the ex (the other Jeremy) behind me, keeping him in mind as nothing more than a friend. I'll have to rephrase a few things in my letter, obviously, but I think this is the best way to go about things. It's time to move on and give someone else a shot. Who knows? Maybe this time, I won't be left picking up the pieces of my broken heart. =)

There is a lot that's bugging me about this Jeremy situation. (The new guy.) He's such a sweet and kind person, but I really just feel as though he and I have nothing in common. Actually, it's not a feeling. We don't. And there are so many little things about him that put me off, and I'm really wondering whether or not I should even waste my time hanging out with him in the first place. I know I jumped the gun a bit, and moved entirely too fast with him - and now I'm stuck hanging out with a semi-stranger at Thanksgiving, because the idea of finally bringing a guy home to introduce to my family (They probably think I'm a in-the-closet lesbian) and show off to my friends, sounded too good to pass up. Blah. Perhaps I should back up and slow down.

His grammar is horrid - he doesn't even look a the keyboard when he types. He literally spelled license, "licns". And he never corrects himself, at all. He types "you" as "u", "are" as "r" and uses every freaking internet abbreviation/slang word, ever known to man. Sounds trivial, doesn't it? But it's goddamned infuriating sometimes. So far I know he's going to school for Web Design, his parents are divorced, he's a mama's boy, and he likes online simulation games. THAT'S IT! The entire time we've been talking, he's been whispering cute things into my ear, or begging me to hang out with him. I don't know a thing about this guy, but what I've discovered so far, is seriously leading me to think that I should up and disappear from him all together, and let him think I up and died to save him the heartbreak of me dumping him before the two of us were even together.

He's so clingy, and though that's not a bad thing -at all- ..it's scary, with how little we know eachother. And he's not the least bit interested in getting to know eachother better. He doesn't bring it up, or ask questions.. nothing. I don't even know what kind of music he listens to. But like I said.. I don't see him being interested in literature, or 80's movies, or Buffy. We probably have nothing in common and I feel like such a bitch for holding onto him because I don't want to be alone. I mean, I wanted to give this guy a chance because that's the right thing to do. Not judging a book by it's cover 'n all that - but what if I'm wasting his time, and mine? What if we hang out, I'm bored to tears, and he starts worshipping the ground that I walk on?

And as many times as I've convinced myself to give it a shot, I still find myself making excuse after excuse as to why we can't hang out each day. We've had plans every day, since Thursday. So far? Nothing. I really don't want to hang out with him without my friends there, and I've felt like they're kind of blowing me off lately. -Shrugs.- I don't know. But then today with the letter from the other Jeremy.. I just. I don't know how I feel anymore. It changes everyday. I can't trust my emotions at all right now. I just wish I could fast forward through the awkward/shy stage with the new guy, in order to quickly see whether or not we're actually compatible. Ugh - downside to meeting guys offline, is all of the anxiety leading up to the first time when you actually spend time together. (Not counting the five minutes you spend with eachother when they randomly show up at your work.)

ugh. Bedtime. This is hurting my head

It's nearly 2am and I have to be up at 8am for work tomorrow, so obviously I should be in bed and sleeping by now, but I really don't feel like it. Kind of have a lot on my mind, and I keep getting so into these Buffy fanfiction stories, which inevitably last for two million chapters, and take me forever to finish. I'm still in the middle of a very long, and interesting one - but I felt like I was cheating on my Blurty, so I decided to write.

I received a letter from Jeremy today. It wasn't nearly as cold as the last one I got from him, and I was going to type it out, but in a weird way I felt like that would be invading his privacy. Though I do plan on making a seperate journal account where I type out all of the letters he's ever sent to me. I might even include some emails and saved Instant Messages I have from him, as well. It would be a cute little project to take on if he and I do end up back together. Maybe turn it into a book of some sort, and send it to him for Valentine's Day or something. Wow, impulsive thoughts. But like I was saying, the letter was not at all like the last one he sent. He even told me he missed me at the end, and assured me that he had no intention of dating Rose. It was short and sweet, and it made me very happy to read. I actually welled up with tears and everything. Something I was expecting, but still seemed to catch me by surprise. All of a sudden I'm back to square one - wanting him back, whatever the cost. But when I regained my composure, I realized a lot of things. Regardless of wanting him back, it doesn't mean I have to change or alter my progress with the situation. I don't have to let myself get vulnerable and weak again, I don't need to relapse the way I did the other night with that stupid journal. I can want him and still be my own person. And I told him that too, in my response that I'd started this afternoon.

"You told me you probably wouldn't call, and then I found out that you were IMing Jess, emailing Jason.. it was a lot more than I could deal with. But luckily I learned from my mistake the first time, so rather than shut down my emotions, I decided to be strong. It surprised the hell out of me and everyone else, too. I found myself reading uplifting quotes, letting myself know that it was okay to cry, and telling myself that I wasn't going to fall apart. A few days into the "I need to heal and get over him so that he and I can at least be friends" process, I realized that I don't need you in order to survive. I listened to a song (No, I will not tell you who it's by, because you'll laugh at me) called "I Belong to Me" and it opened up my eyes to a lot of things. The most important, that (and here I am stealing the lyric right from the song) "I don't need somebody to complete me, I complete myself. Nobody's got to belong to somebody else." Yeah, it's pretty corny, but lyrics and things like that, have been what's helping me get through life without you, one day at a time. Although I knew the whole time, that no I don't need you. But I do want you, in every way possible, to the strongest extent.

I was also taught the true meaning of unconditional love, though mostly because of the Rose situation. I realized that as upset and hurt as I was over that whole thing, I was still happy for you. I told you in a previous letter that at one point in time I was hoping you'd find someone else, fall in love with them, and have a chance at a happy life with all of those things we both know you want - marriage, kids, a family. I know that I was jumping the gun a bit after hearing the news about Rose, but I just wanted you to have that chance, the one I felt I'd never be able to give you. It dawned on me throughout that thought process, that I was more in love with you than ever before. I wanted you to be with this other woman, because I knew what I'd put you through - while she's done nothing but be in love with you for the last 2+ years. And yeah, that still stands - though I sincerely hope that if you do decide to pursue someone else in the future, that she isn't anyone I know or was once friends with. What a slap in the face that was. =/"


I guess it was important for me to let him know that I was still the same head-over-heels in love girl, but I was stronger, more self assured than before. Because if we do get back together, I need for him to be aware that I am completely capable of being Amanda all on my own, without any outside help. I've come to the realization that I am able to live without having a man around. As lonely as it gets, I don't -need- a guy. And as naturally submissive as I am, and enjoy being with my significant other, I'm still able to be independent, and I enjoy that.

I know that I have a lot to say to him, and I'm hoping that next time I won't get a cold response from him. I don't even know what kind of response I'm expecting or hoping for. All that I know right now, is that I miss him. And apparently we have that in common, so I figure it's as good a place to start, as any.

So, I can't sleep. Mostly because I'm too busy crying. I'm an idiot. A very foolish idiot who was stuck in denial for far too long. I miss him more and more each day, and the nights are the worst. Especially this one. It's been so long since I've just let the tears fall down my cheeks like this. I can see the little wet spots on my shirt where they've landed0. God, I feel miserable right now.

I was randomly surfing through the net, checking out peoples' profiles and such, when I remembered an old friend's journal on Livejournal. I remembered that I had to be logged in, in order to read it, but I'd forgotten my username. So I did the whole "email me my information" deal and when I got it, they sent me a list of usernames I'd used from that email. One of which, was a joint journal account that I made back in May for Jeremy and I to both use. At one point, after an argument/breakup, he deleted all of his entries.. but there's still so many memories left just from the ones I wrote. Plus, the last entry on there is very small, consisting of only "I need Him." and in a comment (I think he forgot the password, so he commented instead) he left this:

July 10th, 2006. 03:23am.
"Man. Life just took an expected, and horrid, turn. It's funny to know how long I've been working for this, and have it taken away so abruptly. Honestly, I expected it, and was waiting for it to happen, but when it did, it still hurt just as much as if it were a surprise.
I'm not sure what I want to say, and I probably shouldn't be saying it here, but I don't want anyone else reading this and no one knows about it as far as I'm aware.
When we were forced to end, I never gave up hope for more than a few hours now and then. Depression taking its toll and all. Tonight, though... tonight it seems as if life itself doesn't want Me hoping. She doesn't want Me or a relationship with Me. With the way she plans on going about her life, I don't see there being an option in the future for us, either. It seems that because of the things that have happened and lately, not enough forward progress, that she just gave up. That she's going to focus on the other aspects in her life and just let Me fade out of it.
That really hurts and I don't know what to do to stop it. I'm not even sure she is in love with Me anymore. Which, is making keeping hope alive damned near impossible. She doesn't want to be submissive in any aspect to Me, which is going to make a relationship very difficult. I'm not sure that part is what she really wants, just what she needs right now. She would disagree with Me entirely, as she is convinced that submission is something she will never want again. As I said, I'm not so sure. Seems she's just dealing with everything in the wrong way, but it's her decision, so how can I argue?
Even though her decision, her choice, kills any chance of a life spent together, with us... I don't know why this happened, or how... but it honestly feels like My life is over. Maybe that is what she means about being too dependent, but I know that I'm in love with her, and want a life with her... sucks for Me, but she doesn't feel the same anymore.
Never thought this would happen. Goodbye."

Reading that absolutely ripped my heard into shreds. I remember that breakup very vividly. How much of an idiot I was to listen to an outside force telling me that what I was doing was the right thing. That I needed my independence, and that he was suffocating me, and keeping me from being my own person. Once again I'd let my insecurities ruin us. I guess we never really recovered from that since he left for Basic a month later, and recently admitted that he felt our relationship had failed even before he landed in South Carolina. I can understand his frustrations, though. The back and forth shit was a constant issue throughout our entire relationship - hell, since we've known one another. It grew tiresome, and he moved on. -Shrug.- I just.. I don't know. God, this is painful. Hah.

"I wish I could trust my Dad not to do something stupid, so that I could just run away and spend my life as I've been planning, for the last year and a half. I don't know if I can experience a future without Him - it's pretty clear that I don't want to, after-all. As much as we fight and bicker about the stupid things, I love Him so much. And it hurts to think that we'll never have the chance to explore things together, to find out if things really would work between us. I'm really starting to hate everyone, right now. And if I have to say "it's not fair" one more time, I'm shooting myself in the foot."

There is one thing I'm grateful of, however. And that is that our old journal site, before that journal, was closed. I had over one hundred entries in that journal, most of them filled full of my inner most thoughts and feelings regarding my relationship with him. Sometimes I'd write four or five entries a day. There were entries about incredible nights we'd spent together, the amazing connection we would feel for one another ..the intimacy of it all. Every detail was noted. And then of course the same applies for the bad entries. Malicious words that were thrown back and forth at each other. Breakups, his cheating, immature attempts to hurt one another. Everything. And as sad as it is that all of that was deleted.. a big part of me is really glad it was, now. I don't have to worry about fighting myself to keep from reading over those entries, and feeling my heart break with each syllable. The journal I found tonight only housed about six entries, most of which didn't talk about him or us in detail. Imagine what it would have done to me, had I read over the other one. Actually, let's not.
Memories are completely taking over my mind, and my heart, right now. I can't think straight. All I want to do is hold the Kitty he gave me, and rock back and forth. I feel like if I have to go another day without hearing his voice, I'll lose it. I can't be this super strong person all of the time. My emotional stability is caving and a large part of me is passed caring. It feels like no matter what I do, who I date, or where I am - he's there. He's always going to be this huge part of me and hold this enormous part of my heart that nobody else will ever be able to touch. And frankly, It isn't fair. I don't think he should be able to have this kind of power over me anymore, to even be able to effect my life in the slightest. Damnit, that right was revoked right after he told me in a polite, cold manner, to fuck off - that he wasn't going to call, or write. I hate that my emotions are always pushed so far beyond the surface that after a while it becomes easy to forget that they're even there. It's just.. such a nuisance sometimes. It's subconcious bottling of emotion, and then it all explodes in my face and I fall apart. It's explosions like these that are the most painful to recover from. I just want someone to hold me as I rock back and forth and cry. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay when I feel like I'm being gutted over and over, with a crooked, rusty, carving knife. He was everything to me, for so long. My inspiration, my confidant, my advisor, my lover, my friend, my heart.. my soul. My everything. How can I be alive and breathing when the very reason for my heart to beat, is gone?